The perfect storm

Baseball in the backyard

on a sleepy dreamy summer night

When the clouds didn't look quite right

but beautiful just the same~

Wish these nights could last forever

No thoughts of hospitals

or confusing, complicated

diagnostics

The only noise in my head was

the echo of laughter

The thought of wonder

The joy of family

and the awh of nature

This is my backyard

My garden blows lavender in the wind

basil is dying as usual

but my lavender never lets me down

Then the perfect storm

Washed away the game

and lighted the sky with a

quite symphony of wonder...

as we watched.

Who needs baseball anyway?

Decisions...

Somewhere between River's hospitalization,

and

rebuilding a flooded home

We finally came to a decision

(for now)

(Malia and Henry found their throne

after searching for a place to sit:)

The reconstruction has been in sane

After months of grueling 

back and forth

round and round

yes yes yes

 no no no

It was simple

Just one quite minute

laying in the bed with River,

after family and family

and more family had come

to celebrate him, to encourage him,

and to comfort him

An overwhelming feeling washed

over me...

And several thousands of miles

away

that same feeling washed over

Garrett

Not now

You need your big family

and they need you

But there will be a time

someday, somehow,

 we will know more

For now we will celebrate

whatever time we have left

with our great big fat

Mormon Family:)

Henry's Birthday:

There's no place like home~

Summer time

The Last few weeks I've been somewhere
between chaos and peace.
I love the crazy lazy spinning days of 
summer time.  
I love the echo of my children playing
outside.
I love my garden, and the wisdom it teaches
me. 
I love the simple joy that can be found in
a glass of lemonade, a melting ice cream 
cone...and wet grass.
And that's all I got to say 'bout that:)
I'll let the pics do the talking.

Blessings

I could not get on the plane, couldn't even zip up my bags.
I posted that already....that feeling that made me sick the
night before Garrett & I were to leave for Molokai.

I was not supposed to go.  That much I couldn't deny.
But why?
No clue.When the spirit speaks you don't always
know what could have been...
had you not followed your head or your heart...for me it
is my stomach.
It is where I feel everything...weird.

I am now laying on a hospital bed next to my beautiful
boy...River.

He has been suffering with vertigo, severe headaches and
nausea for weeks now.   Garrett and I have been searching
for a reason...?  Inner ear infection?

The day after Garrett left, River started having severe
bloody noses.  I called Garrett and headed straight
to the hospital.

The MRI exposed the mystery.....Mastoiditis.
Google it, to tired to explain.  Just know that
if untreated, the results would be fatal.
(It"s kind of like an abcess of infection in the
skull bone..)
He is going to be okay..,
He has to be in the hospital for 48 hours and loaded
up with Antibiotics (the big guns)...and we are praying
that it has or will not spread further.  Please pray that
his vertigo will be cured as well as the infection cleared.

But this is the beautiful part.
I have laid by his side for two days.
We have had long talks...real talks, heart talks,
I have read to him, and massaged his head and feet
with lavender...and he is soaking up the love and attention.

Just me and River, getting to know each other
all over again.
Thanks to all of my family for taking the kids.
gotta go...The Lord of the rings is waiting for us.
(we get to watch all three:)

Change

change: we crave it...we fear it...we love it...we despise it...we search for it, we hide from it.
but in the end we grow from it....or wilt like the flower that won't adjust to the snow.


security: we work our entire life to achieve it, only to find that nothing is secure...we find false security along the way...with friends, families, jobs...but in the end...it all changes.  That is life.  I have lost so many dear family and friends in the past 5 years, that I take no one for granted. But their loss has inspired me to live all the same.  Live in his will.
I think the greatest pursuit, is to find the wisdom to know when to change...and though we have free agency...(yes I do understand this principle)....it is our father in heavan that provides us with opportunities that we need to change...to grow.  (besides, I don't think he wants us wandering in this life with stinky diapers:) 


Garrett called last night.  He had a busy day, he was embraced with leis from people that don't even know him (I love that tradition).  All day he was loved and respected and shown the good old fashioned Hawaiin welcome.

  
They want him to be a director of the new medical facility in Molokai. A facility that will be all inclusive from troubled teens to lonely elders.  It is a beautiful garden with swimming pools and yoga on the beach...even a canoe club.  The biggest store in Molokai is the size of a 711, and the town is smaler than old lehi.  But it is charming, and beautiful.  Molokain's fiercly protect this land from commercial development, and that is why it is so very special...isolated but special.
Anyhow, there are so few of you that read my blog, I thought I would share, It never dawned on me that you could run into Garrett in front of his partners and ask him when he is moving to Molakai...(so please don't bring this up at his office:))))


Sadly, right now we just don't think we can take this change on right now, but we feel that one day we will.  I remember the first time we hiked into the Leper colony, I felt this peace come over me and I knew that we would return one day.  If Garrett took this job,,,he would fly into leper colony 2 two times a week, and I would be his beautiful assistant:)  There is a peace there that I simply can not put into language.

So far the people we have shared this with have completly embraced the idea, others wondered why we hadn't done it yet, and some.,like my sweet mother in law almost cried and begged us not to go....(what about the kids, their, education...I will never see them, they will never know their cousins.) The whole conversation ripped my heart out...How could I hurt the ones I love?  I just have to pray that
if it is expedient for our family to move that hearts will be softened. 

All very valid concerns.  Like I said the other day, my choices affect many.  One day I think it would be the best thing for our family...the next I think it could be the worst.


It's the sliding doors dilema...ever seen that show?  very very scary how our life can change so quickly...If we make the train or miss it by a sliding door.


Perhaps it is a fault of mine...but I do believe God has a plan for everyone...rather or not they choose to follow it is up to their free agency.
Then again...how can we know for sure what his will truly is...I've tried everything...one day yes, one day no.  All I know is that it has worked before.
Do I fear God more than man?
whew.  I wish I could say that 100 percent, but I hate hurting the people I love.

Of course pops made the decision a bit easy on us...after my pleading and puppy dog face, he laughed and told me he would follow me anywhere!
Thanks all for your good advice yesterday...any more seeds of wisdom for me to ponder?
i:e if your picture isn't hear it is because I cant' find one!
For now...please know that I love you all...no matter which way we turn.

not leaving on a jet train

last night bags were packed, lists were written, snacks were packaged and ready for the many kind people that graciously offered to take care of our kids.  But my gut was sick, head spinning...confusion set in like vertigo.
I was not supposed to go....that is what I keep feeling....over and over.
who knows why?  We never do.
so here I am in my messy house visiualizing Garrett surfing in the sun and posssibly accepting a job, that would change our life as we know it....all alone.

And to you my dear sweet love...go with your heart...I will follow you anywhere, as long as we have each other.  You are my joy, the smile on my face...the beat in my heart....oh where would I be without you.
I love you Garrett.
Always

Peace...be still

It's been said that true courage is staring

fear in the face and going forward anyway.

I have always been fearful of not living up 

to God's plan for me.  My hearts desire has

been and always will be his will.

But his will can be so confusing at times.

Everyone tells me that his will cannot rob

my free agency.  That I must choose. 

I so get that.

But the choices I make are no longer

my burden alone,the consequences of my

choices affect my children,my marriage

 and my whole family in general. 

sigh

sigh

sigh

Garrett and I are in the midst

of a grueling decision.

We made this decision once before

and were blessed ten fold.

But now?

So many questions.

My heart is flapping

yes? no?

Head is spinning.

I am not getting peace either way.

What do you think?

Tell me your stories...

Perhaps your wisdom will give me clarity.

Have you ever made a decision...a leap

into the dark uncertainty without feeling peace?

Am I not feeling peace, simply because I don't want

this...not right now anyway.

Talk to me.

I leave for Molakai in the morning,

(of course this has NOTHING to do with my decision:)

Song in my head:

I hope you still feel small

when you stand by the ocean

I hope when one door closes

one more door will open

I hope you dance......

Don't smoke in your healing Garden

I have been so blessed this weekend.

The thyroid medication is finally kicking

in at full throttle.

And I am on a new medication that

supresses my immune system,

sounds wrong.

But has Totally changed my life.

I feel so normal.

I worked my fanny off saturday,

planting my garden,

with the help of dad and his
 super cool Tiller.

My flower pots are exploding with

flowers, and I even detailed my car

all by myself.

Considering the fact that tying my shoes

has been my biggest accomplishment in

months....

I am deeply grateful, and feel

more hope than I have felt in a long while.

Garrett was on call this weekend

so me and the kids met him at the cafeteria

for lunch.  We sat in the "healing garden".

I had to giggle at the sign:

No smoking in the healing garden~

I wonder if I have ever smoked in 

my healing garden. 

This is my healing garden.

Last night we hung out on the back porch.

Garrett read to us, then we talked for hours,

on the atonement and forgiveness.

It was one of those evenings when everything

aligns just right.

It was a feel good night.

And I am thankful.

For the healing garden Of God's

tender mercies.

Yoda talk

Forgive my prolific posts lately,

( I think this makes 3 in 2 days),

Just having some moments.  

Writing has always been theraputic for me 

and...
it's almost two a.m.
Sleep just won't rescue me from the aches,
Garrett held me for a bit, and tried to talk me
out of my crazy mind, but he needed his sleep,
so off to the guest bed he went.
And I am here with this bright screen, listening to
Henry's every breath.  I love that sound.

Normally mid night thoughts are not very kind,
but not so bad tonight.
I am thinking positive things...envisioning
myself doing all sorts of things, that I mistakingly
thought I had to put aside...just because of some
dumb "L" word.
Things like road biking.  Just because I want
a beach bike, doesn't mean I have to retire my slim jim.
And running...I don't like it, never really have...but that
doesn't mean I can't do it anymore.
And swimming...
And hiking...
And paddle surfing (my favorite).

Flare ups, like the one I had today, scare me, not because
I'm afraid I will die, because I am afraid I will live...a long
restricted and useless life.
River and I watched Star Wars 3 yesterday, and according to
Yoda...fear is the path to the dark side.
And I don't want to turn to the dark side.
Personally, I think fear is feeding Mr "L", the more frightened
I become of the future...the sicker I become.
I'm onto you now Mr. L.
But on the balanced side, its not healthy for me to beat myself up
every time I have a flare up.  I need to be positive and faithful, yes..
but kind to myself.

No more blame game.

I am a seeker of truth, truth is healing and at times, painfully
revealing.  Perhaps my inner truth is telling my fears to shut
the heck up. (hick up, heck up...yes I am from utah).
Aw Hell.

I just don't like to feel useless, and that is how I feel when I am sick.
Dad says that after Harriett Beecher Stowe wrote Uncle Tom's Cabin,
(a major trigger for the cival war), she was questioned about her intentions.
She simply said I just thought I'd make myself useful.
I'm deviating...that happens at 2 a.m.

I decided that I am not going to be very useful if I keep taking
these meds my doctor gives me for the insane pain (not narcotics..
muscle relaxers, which in my opinion are far more scary than pain meds)
I want my mind back.  I want my vibrant zest for life to return, unblemished
from moments of weakness, when I have traded in my mind for comfort.
I will trade in my clear mind over comfort from now on.
No more med head.
I refuse to live a life like that.

And I'm gonna get back on the horse...or the bike...at least try.
If I fail, perhaps I could write a novel like Harriot.
There is always someone looking for a war:)

OK Go - This Too Shall Pass - Rube Goldberg Machine version - Official

I loved this!

waiting on the tide...again.

Flare up again.
The kids brought home a virus, which for 
me adds up to stiff joints and pain, everywhere.
Even my knuckles hurt.


I was trying to explain to River what Lupas was,
because it is hard for me to hide my pain from him.
He demands honesty, and detests being brushed off
with simple answers. (sort of like me).


I said: when your body has a virus or bacteria, your imune
system attacks your tissues, joints and sometimes organs
instead.
He said: So it's like you have aids.
I said: excuse me?
He said: don't you know about aids mom?
I said: well, yes, but I didn't...I...well...uh..not...ugh.
(sigh).
He said:  Is that why your walking funny?
I nodded (hips), 
He said:  Well, thats really not so bad mom, who cares
if you can't walk, at least your still here.
I said: I am going to be here for a long while, now...
about your homework.
I love that boy, he has a bridge to my thoughts.
Always has.


Dad and I were supposed to go "chasing" today.
I love our chasing days.
Instead he came by and dropped off some eucalyptus and 
chamomile bath salt.
It was mom's favorite he tells me...helped her with the pain.
Then he took Henry to Home depot.


I fell into a restless sleep, and had the strangest dream.
I was on a white sand beach next to a magnificent humback
whale.  She was stuck, beached and dying.  I keep leaning
into her and pushing with all of my might...I used my hands, 
my head, my feet...all of my strength to push her out to
sea, where she belonged.  But my efforts were in vein.
She wouldn't move.


I finally slumped down her drying skin and sat down next to her.
I just sat there with the waves spraying in my face.
waiting for the tide to come in.
Helpless. 


I suppose my inability to move the whale was a message.
It's not my job to move the whale.
I have to wait for the tide of his time.


Then dad came back, Henry was adorned with bright green
gardening gloves and happy as a clown. He was carrying 
purple gatorade (my favorite).  Dad kissed my moppy head
and pulled the hinge off of my broken entertainment center.
"I'll get this fixed"


I guess that was my other message.  
I don't have to wait for the tide alone.
funny thing...
Sometimes we have to face our burdens,
before we can see our blessings.

weekend wonders

Sweetest thing:
Henry "tanking" me for changing 
his diaper.
Saddest thing:
My flowers died.
River has Vertigo. (yuck)
Happiest thing:
Family. Family and Family.

Blue...est thing:
The sky over the lake, on the yummy 

picnic, we had for my birthday.

Flab-iest Thing:
My relief society arms. sigh.
Funniest Thing:
Henry's new fettish: wearing
River's underwear over his clothes.
Getting dressed by his self, and 
firmly resisting help of any kind:)
"got it mum...worry I got it."

Luckiest Thing:
Seeing a mother duck training her wee ones.
I wonder if she gets a break on mums day.
She sure deserves one.

Yummiest Thing:

Chocolate cake from Magleby's.

My Breakfast the kids made me.

and.....

mango season!!!

Favorite combo: Mangos, strawberries, and spinach. 
ew la la.
Stillest Thing:
My heart.

Mothers, motherhood and mothering

Happy Mothering day.

Mothering, (I say),because 

Mother

is a verb

not an adjective or title.

I have many mothers in my life.

My dear mother.

Ouch.

Sometimes, I miss her so much 

that my heart hurts.

She mothered everyone around her.  Not in the

annoying mother hen sort of way.

In the heart way.

Heart.

She was very focused that way.

I think she would be a Mary.

Sometimes there is a fine line between Martha and Mary...

Mom always seemed to know that line.

I hope I do. There are moments that I feel her 

gently nudge me when I cross that line.

So Maybe having a mama angel isn't so bad after all.

I have friends that mother me.

I have sisters that mother me.

I have a mother in law that mothers me.

I have other mothers that mother me with their

stoic example of what it means to be a woman.

We rock.

Don't you think?

My daughter and her circle of friends made a 

cake for my birthday and suprised me with it.

They are going to be mothers one day.

One way or the other.

They are simply beautiful,and so are they're mothers.

I am thinking of that John Mayer song.

Yes, he is a nit wit, but oh what a voice.

~mothers be good to your daughters

and daughters will live like you do

cuz girls become lovers

that turn into mothers

one day they'll  have their own 

daughters too~

I love you...my mother's...

my daughters...my angels.

I love you all much much so much.

May this day bring you clean floors,

long hot baths, and guilt free eating.

oh...and bluebirds.

Many bluebirds.

Holly