Breakdown

Right now, I am sitting with a cup of

berry tea, it is steaming shadows on

the window next to me, shadows that

disappear as fast as they manifest,

I barely have time to draw a smiley face

in the window.

I haven't been drawing a lot of smiley faces 

lately.  Since my last happy post, 

I was so very anxious to show everyone...

just how okay I was.

I have been in the darkest days of my life.

After being on some serious narcotics,

(the big guns) for the duration of my two 

month illness.  I had to withdraw.

Basically, I lost my feeding tube,

the only nourishment I was getting,

and withdrawing, My head was in a blender.

That pretty much sums it up.

I suppose such honesty will be cursed by 

some and embraced by others.

I don't really care.

But after a week of what we thought was 

withdraws, Glenn and Kathy found me

laying on the bathroom floor,

Savannah was holding my hair so the

puke wouldn't saturate it, Henry was kneeling

beside me, and River was standing in the doorway.

They took me to the hospital where I was admitted 

for the fourth time in two months.

I was at the mercy of the internest 

who called my condition 

gastroparesis.  Which in lamen terms means

my colon is sort of paralyzed.

Thus....everything comes up instead of down.

The cure he claimed was quite simple,

a medication I take 30 minutes before meals 

and after.  He tells me this will pass.

I ask him when.

He tells me it could take two days to two years.

That night in the hospital, something just snapped,

I allowed all the anguish and fear and grief,

I have felt for the past few years run through my

soul, like a broken damn.

All I knew was that I could not go home.

I had to get away from my children,

and my beautiful family that had suffered so much

with me.  It was to painful to see the weariness

in their eyes, their beautiful loving eyes.

I was broken, and had to put the pieces back

together for them.

After sobbing in Garrett's arms all night,

he gave me a check and told me to go.

All of my sisters and I made a plan.

and my dad drove me to Sundance.

Sundance is where I come to heal.

And it is close enough to family,

should I need them.

For two days now,

I have walked, and walked,

built myself a fire and sat by it,

watching the embers glow.

I spent some time looking in the mirror

wondering what had become of me.

The me who was so much more than

I have become.

I haven't found her yet.

But I have found a great companion

in this beautiful land....God's tapestry...

surely I can see myself in every falling leaf

and remember I will be green again.

Notice my raccoon friend

Look closely at these ice cycles, hanging

on a delicate branch.  I kept waiting for 

them to fall.  But they held on.

It wasn't their time I suppose.

Every time I see this painting I am overcome

with a strange emotion.  I want to be free like this.

Perhaps its the brute strength, perhaps, it is

their endurance.  Perhaps, I wish I could endure

with a little more grace.

I took this last night as I looked in the mirror.

It must seem terribly narcisitic, but it was the 

first time I recognized myself in years.

I am done with my pain body.

At least in this one perfect moment.

Thank you...all of my soldiers who have

marched alongside me.  There are no words.

Just emotion in my heart and soul.

I hope you feel it.

goodbye pick line:)

Oh Happy Day...

                                             Today I went to I.V therapy for my last iron i.v

and to get out my pick line.

(cartwheel) (woo hoo)

Mama is getting her groove back.

I thought it was pretty special to

have Kathy there with me,

Since she has seen me through this.

I feel pretty brave posting this picture..

I am already forgetting about the miracle

of life, and worrying about how to loose

all this weighed I gained when they 

starved me for 6 weeks.

Sad.

I take a minute and remember that I

don't...  I won't let myself forget what

really matters.

Things like the joy I feel when I see this 

picture of kathy by my side.  The love

that has healed me, and the tender mercies.

The patient in the room next to me at

the huntsman center was not so lucky.

I overheard the Doctor come and and

tell him to enjoy what time he had left

because it wouldn't be very long.

Sometimes miracles come

and sometimes they don't.

I don't know the rhyme or reason behind

his plan.  But I know one thing for sure.

He has a plan for each of us.

I have thought a lot about how I have

been blessed to have an "illness" for a trial,

people know what to do when your sick,

dinners, cards, visits...flowers, prayers

and fasting...and trips to the temple...

But it's the other trials that break my heart,

the trials that cause silent suffering,

and painful game faces on the outside

when your dying inside.

I have had both.  I think women need a code

word for when they are having the silent trials...

like code blue or something.

Just a flag to raise without an explanation

that will say...

I need your prayers,

I need your faith,

I need your love.

Just raise your flag...

and I will be there.

~Always~

Good News~

I took this picture of my favorite Doc

 when he was changing

my T.P.N feeding tube.

I love this  picture of my Doc.

Because...

It shows his tender heart.

and steady eyes.

He talks with his eyebrows a lot.

Right now his eyebrows are telling me to

put my camera down and focus

on cleaning my other tube.

But we were watching M*A*S*H

at the time, and Clinger comes out

in one of his desperate attempts at A-walling it.

(Red dress with lacy hat and a matching purse)

And Garrett's serious Dr. brows 

change to his silly brows.

I like his silly brows.

But today for the first time in 7 weeks,

his beautiful brows lost their worry...

After a day spent at the Huntsman center,

and weeks of labs, labs and more labs.

I have been declared

CANCER free.

and my pancreas has now healed,

to a point that I can eat!

In fact for the first time all my labs

look beautiful!!!!

There is still a few bumps ahead,

like convincing my colon that I really 

am well enough to eat  more than baby food

and getting...

my iron levels back to a place

where I can stand vertical long enough

to shower.

But it is coming!

Which at one point, I wasn't sure if it would!

Thank you my Father in Heaven,

Thank you all of you....

who were there for me!

And to you...

My beautiful browed man,

thank you for standing beside me,

or should I say Kneeling beside me,

all of this time...

I love you to the moon.

to the moon~

Love in Action

This is my new organized basement:)

It was going to be the perfect weekend.

The boys were off to the deer hunt,

and Shellie my big sister was coming to

help me organize my basement for the weekend.

But my body had other plans.

My colon is not being to kind

to the food I am finally able to eat.

and I am beyond anemic because

for what ever reason my body is not 

absorbing iron.

So after a night in the E.R

I came home and slept for 2 days.

I woke up to the above picture.

My devoted sister did it all on her own.

And she didn't stop there.

She and Ed did all the handy man work

I have needed done for so long,

without asking.

She fed my children, organized my

laundry room, Took the kids out

on little dates.

Every time Shellie comes to my house

she leaves it better than she found it,

She made these  curtains:

She decorated for Halloween

organized my coat closet,

and for the past two years she has put 

up my Christmas decorations with me.

I have written three posts tonight,

because I so urgently want to share

all of the tender mercies

my family and friend have 

shown me.
(And I haven't even started Thanking kathy)

God bless them.

Everyone of them.

I am having a procedure tomorrow 

at the huntsman center,

and to be honest, I am kind of scared,

I am actually feeling all kinds of anxiety 

in side about...well everything,

especially my kids, .....

I guess to be quiet honest,

I have this fear that I am going 

to burn everyone out.  

But time after time...

just when I think I am going to

have to make the last few miles 

on my own.

You step up and show me that you

are there.  I love you all for that.

Thank you for being their for my kids,

they have been so loved.

Sisters

If there is one thing I know for sure,

is that we can't do it alone.

I have read hundreds of books and 

spent hours taking classes about how

we can train our brain to attract exactly what we want

out of life.

And yes, we do create what we focus on,

I don't argue with that.

But after all those books and all those classes,

I know one thing for darn sure.

We can't do it alone.

We weren't meant to do it alone.

And no matter how pure our thoughts are..

there will come a time when God in

his love will hold us over the fire and 

smooth us out...

in a way that only he can.

I have also learned that the only thing that really

impresses others....is the way we love them.

all the accolades and accomplishments in 

the universe only impress if you use them

to strengthen and uplift the people 

in your life.

Today I thank God for sisters.

Perhaps I should say sister in laws...

but nope.

They are my sisters

and they have been there for me through thick

and thin.

They come to me almost daily...

do my wash, my dishes,

lay in bed with me and share their thoughts,

they love my children and invest their time in my children.

We had a silly day last week, because I told them

I wanted pictures of us together...

small problem...no photographer,

so we took a million pics ourselves,

this is one of the few that turned out:)

It takes a brave person to stand next

to any of my sisters...

They are, as you can see, drop dead

beautiful.

But theirs is a beauty that comes from their

hearts.  They love pure and undiluted.

 They have shared their

stories and worries with me and

let me do the same. 

I will always love them for showing up

good times and bad.

And I want you to know

that I will always be here for you.

~Always~

Kristalyn cutting my boys hair.

A beautiful day in the neighbor hood

These are pictures, from the walk about Henry and I 

took this week.  

I grabbed my black coat, hat, and jacky pack,
Henry took his new spider man bike.

We started off with Amanda.

My neighbor who has been there

through the thick and thin of

my life since the day we moved in.

Her husband Kirk is usually by her side

doing what he can to help out.

He is currently helping River get his eagle.

~Blessings~

This is my friend Heather,

who just happened to be out with
her son xander..
is Henry's best buddy.                                                                                

This is My friend kari with Amanda.

I was beginning to feel pretty blessed to see 

so many Friends out and about on this

beautiful day...

This is Marci's house.

Uber creative that girl.

She is even creative in the way she serves me,

She has brought me a tea maker with

dozens of my favorite flavor teas,

dumb dumb suckers, my favorites lavender

lotions....she even took the time to cut

out the seeds in cucumbers so I could eat them...

the list goes on with Marci...she has a gift for 

knowing just what and just when.

love that girl.

This is my friend Dana's house.

I love the way she celebrates.

As we walked Henry would stop for a bug

here and a worm there.

I love my stinky bug loving boy

This is my friend Julie.

She came to the hospital and did my hair,

and waxed my brows and my embarrassing

mustache that I inherited from my grandma.

Julie was on her way to do another friends hair,

Wanda.  Wanda is one tuff woman. she  

was in a bad car accident, and hasn't been able to walk

since she was 16 years old.

She had a back surgery...

one she should have had years ago.

I am telling you this women is amazing.

All women are amazing.

I wish I had a picture of all the incredible women

in my life....

Like Ruth,  my visiting teacher,

who has made sure that I didn't have to do this alone,

that my family was fed, and loved.

Thank you.

Thank you my friends.

I decided to hop in the car with Julie, and 

my other friend Stephanie,

who were going to do

 Wanda's hair.

I'm telling you....

My neighborhood is the bomb.

I am tired today,

and I simply don't know how to write all that is 

in my heart. But my heart is full of gratitude

for the amazing kindhearted people

I have in my life.

I am so grateful I didn't have to do this alone.

Your are God's hands.

All of you.

Aloha

This Package arrived in the mail for me yesterday.

It was packed to the brim with Aloha from my Ohana

in the islands I love.

Dozens of letters, chocolates, cookies,

 pictures,  more chocolates, macademian nuts,

and my favorite quava juice,
overflow and overwhelm my heart.

It has just about everything but the sea itself.

Oh my sweet friends,

I feel the love

and my gratitude is bigger than the surf

on the north shore in January.

I wish I could pack myself up in that

box and return to you fed ex style.

Then we could sit by the sea,

and feel the sand between our toes,

and find precious seashells

that remind us while we are being

tossed against the rocks of uncertainty,
that

God is just smoothing us out

and shaping us in to some thing

more precious and more beautiful

than our jagged edges.

oh I send my Aloha.

Aloha on steroids.

ya.

Thats how much I love you!
Mahalo my dear friends!

Puffer fish face

I am sitting in I.V therapy, getting myself some iron, and decided to take a snap shot
to remind myself Just how lovely I am.  Who knew that after 6 weeks of starvation
I would look like an albino puffer fish.  So very lovely.
Don't be jealous.

Grandma's house

Every Fall,

we love to pick fruit off of grandpa's fruit trees.

I love everything about this tradition.

The sticky fingers, the sour bites,

and rusty ladders...

But mostly, I love to swing on their hammock...

Never... Ever have I found a place in this world,

that could hold a candle,

to the upside down view of the most beautiful

walnut trees I've ever seen.

If you catch a ride just before sunset...

during the golden hour.

you will see millions of particles of light

spilling between the green

and filtering it like a gift made just for you.

If I have any say in what my heaven would look like,

it would defiantly have a hammock.

Come to think of it...

I think heaven feels a lot like their back yard,

With echoes of laughter, and love,

and memories good and bad are exchanged

for savoring the moment...

right here...right now.

If the scripture that claims

By their fruits ye shall know them...

is true...

Then that's all I have to say about these

two amazing people.

Because they sure have a lot of good fruit.

And they share it.

How blessed are my children

to have a grandpa and grandma,

who will always be there for them,

through thick and thin,

sweet or sour.

I love the way I feel around them...

It is a feeling that reminds me I am safe,

because I am loved

good days or bad.

Shadowed or shining.

And this is why my children love to

be at grandma and grandpa's house...

Love.

pure. simple. consistant

Love.

Thank you for the constant love

Thank you.  Thank you.

All of you.

Today I ate some apple sauce!

Knowing eyes...

It was a Beautiful weekend,

I had two days in a row with no nausea,

and the best part...

I can now eat applesauce and sherbet

with out my colon confusing it for a porcupine.

Today I woke up determined to go to Sacrament,

There has never been a better time for me

to teach my children where to turn 

when all the leafs fall.

but I must say

It's always quite the dance trying to get our family

to church on time,

and I was having so many issues with my jackypack,

that I almost wondered as I sat down in my seat

with my tubes all tangled around me

if it was really worth the possible risk of 

infection that I was risking.

But then I realized that...

behind us sat my dear friend,

who lost her child this week. She was

Stoic in her faith and in her spirit, but

her swollen eyes carried the burden of her

grief and her faith.

I call them "knowing" eyes.

Knowing eyes are earned like a purple heart

to a brave soldier 

Both an honor and a burden they carry....

The honor of knowing they are on the Lords errand...

and the burden of the price they

paid to see life a new.

In front of us sat a family that lost their child

in another way. 

In in her eyes I saw the "knowing" as well.

I hope I have earned my Knowing eyes,

The eyes that see past the weariness,

arrogance and weakness of others,

I hope my eyes can pierce right through

silly shallow agendas

straight into the heart of those I care about.

So I can love them and serve them

in their language.

I hope I can give my children knowing eyes

and then I remember they must

earn them, through their own heartaches,

the thought makes me sad,

thinking of my children suffering in any way,

I bet it hurts God too.

* Here are some pics from our drive up to Sundance today.

Two blue birds joined us.

I think they were a love note from mom...

My dinner: apple sauce, cucumber slices:)

and Jacky pack...

Our magic Garden

Our Magic Garden...

Last night,

We lit up a dozen or so candles,

and put them in the pumpkin patch...

in our Garden...

our magic Garden,

(magic because it can grow pumpkins with all the weeds in it).

But also magic because we

planted it in granny's name

the spring after she died.

Savannah grabbed some blankets,

Daddy grabbed some chairs,

and

I grabbed my black coat and

 my witch hat 

with Jacky pack in tow...

 When I glanced in the mirror I thought

that perhaps I should have been a ghost,

because my pale face and dark circles,

are enough to scare something fierce...

But wow...Isn't she beautiful.

Inside and out that one.

Then we stood in a sort of circle

and picked numbers,

Malia got the first turn...

But we put a spin on our picking tradition this year,

Before picking it from the vine,

we had to name one bad habit that we

would "spook" out of our lives this year.

Malia's was spelling,

Garrett wanted to spook away my pancrease

and I am going to spook away my

diet coke...

Henry just wanted to spook his pumpkin.

When he found the perfect one,

he curled up in my arms,

and together with Aunty Shellie,

grandma kathy and grandpa Glenn,

we quietly watched the candles burn.

And with every flicker of light,

I Thanked God for my garden,

my home and my family.

Then I silently prayed for more 

faith.  More meekness and more

patience.

But I must say that 

Today was a great day...

I held some apple sauce down!!!