Monday, April 30, 2012

Drive on.

Today I took a drive in my car.
with wet eyes,
and no silly sappy songs to dry them.
I had done everything by the book so to speak.
Got up. Saw the girls off.  Went to Yoga.
Which normally sets me straight.

Not so much today.
I feel a bit like I am standing on a bank,
of the same old River that I thought I had crossed and
checked all neat and tidy off of my list.

But my feet are muddy.
Just something about that darn current 
that keeps pulling me in.
Until I am drowning in the weakness of my body,
trying to come up for air from the noise in my head.

It has been a bit since I have written.
I got stuck on the whole new years goal thing.
But there are a few things that I am now willing
to commit to.

My father in Heaven.
Not in an abstract, once a week sacramentle way. 
 In a heart and soul way.
I am going to talk to him more and rely on myself less.
And I am going to listen to his love for me,
and not just boing it back to him.
Boinging: totally rejecting beautiful truths about yourself.
So on with you pogo stick.
I am now carrying a broom to sweep away
the cobwebs of my shadows,
and clean up the beautiful space/place in my mind...
and in my heart.
I'm going to nurture the beauty in me, and with his help
weed out the bad.  
I am no longer niave enough to asumme  they won't grow back,
I am just going to get a bigger shovel and roll up my sleeves

Second totally narly committment.
The place I recconcected to myself after
my battle with pancreatitis this fall.
(I wrote about it in october)
Anway while I was there, 
On the third day I belive, after roaming the 
woods and wandering through the artshack
and walking down the hall of pictures and 
sipping tea while I ate my breakfast at the foundry grill,
I wandered into the gift shop.
And had a very illogical thought for a dying woman...
I am going to apply for a job at this here place.
This place that makes me feel so very strong and stoic.

So I did.

And they gave this 38 year old lady a job,
even though she couldn't remember her last bosses name,
let alone her last job.
My boss said it just felt right to hire me.
I know why.
God knows why.
I needed to go to a place, just once a week, and remember
that I am strong and capable,  and I wanted to show my
family that I was not week and feeble.
Mind you: I am writing this in a week and feeble moment.

Something about that mountain,
my beautiful Timp
okay she is not my mountain.
I just sort of wish she was.
She makes me feel strong, and vital.

I will be forever grateful to my boss for taking 
a chance on me.  Jobs aren't easy to come by at a place like Sundance. 
And Jobs that let you work just one to two four hour shifts a week 
are even more hard to come by.
I won't let her down for choosing me.
That I promise.

The second commitment I have made is Yoga,
in an almost manic way.
Because every time I cinch up my bag and go,
I am sending my kids the message,
that I am fighting.
Fighting for them.
Fighting for me.

Odd the word fighting is not found once in sanskrit,
 the language my yogi's teach me in.
Fighting is an ego based word.
One I want to be done with.

I want to surrender my self into each pose,
not fight myself into it.
But sometimes I do anyway.
And that is no way to find peace.

Peace comes when you let go of the banks edge, 
and fall into the arms of the master YOGI.
The only God I serve.
The one who can quiet the noise in my head
 soften the ache in my soul.
and hydrate my heart.

With that...

 In turn, stretch by stretch, and breath by breath,
 I can feel him closer 
to me as I breathe in the beautiful,
but sometimes heartbreaking thing called life.

My third commitment is writing.
I feel closer to God when I write.
And I long for that closeness.
So write I will.

And last but certainly not least.
I am committing myself to my family.
I'm going to inhale the joy of every smelly minute of it.
like Henry's frog boots.

 Here are some pictures of what we have
all been up to this winter.
After all, life is beautiful no?