Monday, May 31, 2010


I could not get on the plane, couldn't even zip up my bags.
I posted that already....that feeling that made me sick the
night before Garrett & I were to leave for Molokai.

I was not supposed to go.  That much I couldn't deny.
But why?
No clue.When the spirit speaks you don't always
know what could have been...
had you not followed your head or your heart...for me it
is my stomach.
It is where I feel everything...weird.

I am now laying on a hospital bed next to my beautiful

He has been suffering with vertigo, severe headaches and
nausea for weeks now.   Garrett and I have been searching
for a reason...?  Inner ear infection?

The day after Garrett left, River started having severe
bloody noses.  I called Garrett and headed straight
to the hospital.

The MRI exposed the mystery.....Mastoiditis.
Google it, to tired to explain.  Just know that
if untreated, the results would be fatal.
(It"s kind of like an abcess of infection in the
skull bone..)
He is going to be okay..,
He has to be in the hospital for 48 hours and loaded
up with Antibiotics (the big guns)...and we are praying
that it has or will not spread further.  Please pray that
his vertigo will be cured as well as the infection cleared.

But this is the beautiful part.
I have laid by his side for two days.
We have had long talks...real talks, heart talks,
I have read to him, and massaged his head and feet
with lavender...and he is soaking up the love and attention.

Just me and River, getting to know each other
all over again.
Thanks to all of my family for taking the kids.
gotta go...The Lord of the rings is waiting for us.
(we get to watch all three:)

Friday, May 28, 2010


change: we crave it...we fear it...we love it...we despise it...we search for it, we hide from it.
but in the end we grow from it....or wilt like the flower that won't adjust to the snow.

security: we work our entire life to achieve it, only to find that nothing is secure...we find false security along the way...with friends, families, jobs...but in the all changes.  That is life.  I have lost so many dear family and friends in the past 5 years, that I take no one for granted. But their loss has inspired me to live all the same.  Live in his will.
I think the greatest pursuit, is to find the wisdom to know when to change...and though we have free agency...(yes I do understand this principle) is our father in heavan that provides us with opportunities that we need to grow.  (besides, I don't think he wants us wandering in this life with stinky diapers:) 

Garrett called last night.  He had a busy day, he was embraced with leis from people that don't even know him (I love that tradition).  All day he was loved and respected and shown the good old fashioned Hawaiin welcome.
They want him to be a director of the new medical facility in Molokai. A facility that will be all inclusive from troubled teens to lonely elders.  It is a beautiful garden with swimming pools and yoga on the beach...even a canoe club.  The biggest store in Molokai is the size of a 711, and the town is smaler than old lehi.  But it is charming, and beautiful.  Molokain's fiercly protect this land from commercial development, and that is why it is so very special...isolated but special.
Anyhow, there are so few of you that read my blog, I thought I would share, It never dawned on me that you could run into Garrett in front of his partners and ask him when he is moving to Molakai...(so please don't bring this up at his office:))))

Sadly, right now we just don't think we can take this change on right now, but we feel that one day we will.  I remember the first time we hiked into the Leper colony, I felt this peace come over me and I knew that we would return one day.  If Garrett took this job,,,he would fly into leper colony 2 two times a week, and I would be his beautiful assistant:)  There is a peace there that I simply can not put into language.

So far the people we have shared this with have completly embraced the idea, others wondered why we hadn't done it yet, and some.,like my sweet mother in law almost cried and begged us not to go....(what about the kids, their, education...I will never see them, they will never know their cousins.) The whole conversation ripped my heart out...How could I hurt the ones I love?  I just have to pray that
if it is expedient for our family to move that hearts will be softened. 

All very valid concerns.  Like I said the other day, my choices affect many.  One day I think it would be the best thing for our family...the next I think it could be the worst.

It's the sliding doors dilema...ever seen that show?  very very scary how our life can change so quickly...If we make the train or miss it by a sliding door.

Perhaps it is a fault of mine...but I do believe God has a plan for everyone...rather or not they choose to follow it is up to their free agency.
Then can we know for sure what his will truly is...I've tried day yes, one day no.  All I know is that it has worked before.
Do I fear God more than man?
whew.  I wish I could say that 100 percent, but I hate hurting the people I love.
Of course pops made the decision a bit easy on us...after my pleading and puppy dog face, he laughed and told me he would follow me anywhere!
Thanks all for your good advice yesterday...any more seeds of wisdom for me to ponder?
i:e if your picture isn't hear it is because I cant' find one!
For now...please know that I love you matter which way we turn.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

not leaving on a jet train

last night bags were packed, lists were written, snacks were packaged and ready for the many kind people that graciously offered to take care of our kids.  But my gut was sick, head spinning...confusion set in like vertigo.
I was not supposed to go....that is what I keep feeling....over and over.
who knows why?  We never do.
so here I am in my messy house visiualizing Garrett surfing in the sun and posssibly accepting a job, that would change our life as we know it....all alone.

And to you my dear sweet love...go with your heart...I will follow you anywhere, as long as we have each other.  You are my joy, the smile on my face...the beat in my heart....oh where would I be without you.
I love you Garrett.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010 still

It's been said that true courage is staring
fear in the face and going forward anyway.
I have always been fearful of not living up 
to God's plan for me.  My hearts desire has
been and always will be his will.

But his will can be so confusing at times.
Everyone tells me that his will cannot rob
my free agency.  That I must choose. 
I so get that.

But the choices I make are no longer
my burden alone,the consequences of my
choices affect my children,my marriage
 and my whole family in general. 


Garrett and I are in the midst
of a grueling decision.
We made this decision once before
and were blessed ten fold.
But now?
So many questions.
My heart is flapping
yes? no?
Head is spinning.
I am not getting peace either way.
What do you think?
Tell me your stories...
Perhaps your wisdom will give me clarity.
Have you ever made a decision...a leap
into the dark uncertainty without feeling peace?
Am I not feeling peace, simply because I don't want
this...not right now anyway.
Talk to me.
I leave for Molakai in the morning,
(of course this has NOTHING to do with my decision:)
Song in my head:

I hope you still feel small
when you stand by the ocean
I hope when one door closes
one more door will open
I hope you dance......

Monday, May 17, 2010

Don't smoke in your healing Garden

I have been so blessed this weekend.
The thyroid medication is finally kicking
in at full throttle.
And I am on a new medication that
supresses my immune system,
sounds wrong.
But has Totally changed my life.
I feel so normal.
I worked my fanny off saturday,
planting my garden,
with the help of dad and his
 super cool Tiller.
My flower pots are exploding with
flowers, and I even detailed my car
all by myself.
Considering the fact that tying my shoes
has been my biggest accomplishment in
I am deeply grateful, and feel
more hope than I have felt in a long while.
Garrett was on call this weekend
so me and the kids met him at the cafeteria
for lunch.  We sat in the "healing garden".
I had to giggle at the sign:
No smoking in the healing garden~
I wonder if I have ever smoked in 
my healing garden. 
This is my healing garden.

Last night we hung out on the back porch.
Garrett read to us, then we talked for hours,
on the atonement and forgiveness.
It was one of those evenings when everything
aligns just right.
It was a feel good night.
And I am thankful.
For the healing garden Of God's
tender mercies.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Yoda talk

Forgive my prolific posts lately,
( I think this makes 3 in 2 days),
Just having some moments.  
Writing has always been theraputic for me 
it's almost two a.m.
Sleep just won't rescue me from the aches,
Garrett held me for a bit, and tried to talk me
out of my crazy mind, but he needed his sleep,
so off to the guest bed he went.
And I am here with this bright screen, listening to
Henry's every breath.  I love that sound.

Normally mid night thoughts are not very kind,
but not so bad tonight.
I am thinking positive things...envisioning
myself doing all sorts of things, that I mistakingly
thought I had to put aside...just because of some
dumb "L" word.
Things like road biking.  Just because I want
a beach bike, doesn't mean I have to retire my slim jim.
And running...I don't like it, never really have...but that
doesn't mean I can't do it anymore.
And swimming...
And hiking...
And paddle surfing (my favorite).

Flare ups, like the one I had today, scare me, not because
I'm afraid I will die, because I am afraid I will live...a long
restricted and useless life.
River and I watched Star Wars 3 yesterday, and according to
Yoda...fear is the path to the dark side.
And I don't want to turn to the dark side.
Personally, I think fear is feeding Mr "L", the more frightened
I become of the future...the sicker I become.
I'm onto you now Mr. L.
But on the balanced side, its not healthy for me to beat myself up
every time I have a flare up.  I need to be positive and faithful, yes..
but kind to myself.

No more blame game.

I am a seeker of truth, truth is healing and at times, painfully
revealing.  Perhaps my inner truth is telling my fears to shut
the heck up. (hick up, heck up...yes I am from utah).
Aw Hell.

I just don't like to feel useless, and that is how I feel when I am sick.
Dad says that after Harriett Beecher Stowe wrote Uncle Tom's Cabin,
(a major trigger for the cival war), she was questioned about her intentions.
She simply said I just thought I'd make myself useful.
I'm deviating...that happens at 2 a.m.

I decided that I am not going to be very useful if I keep taking
these meds my doctor gives me for the insane pain (not narcotics..
muscle relaxers, which in my opinion are far more scary than pain meds)
I want my mind back.  I want my vibrant zest for life to return, unblemished
from moments of weakness, when I have traded in my mind for comfort.
I will trade in my clear mind over comfort from now on.
No more med head.
I refuse to live a life like that.

And I'm gonna get back on the horse...or the least try.
If I fail, perhaps I could write a novel like Harriot.
There is always someone looking for a war:)

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

OK Go - This Too Shall Pass - Rube Goldberg Machine version - Official

I loved this!

waiting on the tide...again.

Flare up again.
The kids brought home a virus, which for 
me adds up to stiff joints and pain, everywhere.
Even my knuckles hurt.

I was trying to explain to River what Lupas was,
because it is hard for me to hide my pain from him.
He demands honesty, and detests being brushed off
with simple answers. (sort of like me).

I said: when your body has a virus or bacteria, your imune
system attacks your tissues, joints and sometimes organs
He said: So it's like you have aids.
I said: excuse me?
He said: don't you know about aids mom?
I said: well, yes, but I didn't...I...well...uh..not...ugh.
He said:  Is that why your walking funny?
I nodded (hips), 
He said:  Well, thats really not so bad mom, who cares
if you can't walk, at least your still here.
I said: I am going to be here for a long while, now...
about your homework.
I love that boy, he has a bridge to my thoughts.
Always has.

Dad and I were supposed to go "chasing" today.
I love our chasing days.
Instead he came by and dropped off some eucalyptus and 
chamomile bath salt.
It was mom's favorite he tells me...helped her with the pain.
Then he took Henry to Home depot.

I fell into a restless sleep, and had the strangest dream.
I was on a white sand beach next to a magnificent humback
whale.  She was stuck, beached and dying.  I keep leaning
into her and pushing with all of my might...I used my hands, 
my head, my feet...all of my strength to push her out to
sea, where she belonged.  But my efforts were in vein.
She wouldn't move.

I finally slumped down her drying skin and sat down next to her.
I just sat there with the waves spraying in my face.
waiting for the tide to come in.

I suppose my inability to move the whale was a message.
It's not my job to move the whale.
I have to wait for the tide of his time.

Then dad came back, Henry was adorned with bright green
gardening gloves and happy as a clown. He was carrying 
purple gatorade (my favorite).  Dad kissed my moppy head
and pulled the hinge off of my broken entertainment center.
"I'll get this fixed"

I guess that was my other message.  
I don't have to wait for the tide alone.
funny thing...
Sometimes we have to face our burdens,
before we can see our blessings.

Monday, May 10, 2010

weekend wonders

Sweetest thing:
Henry "tanking" me for changing 
his diaper.
Saddest thing:
My flowers died.
River has Vertigo. (yuck)
Happiest thing:
Family. Family and Family.
Blue...est thing:
The sky over the lake, on the yummy 
picnic, we had for my birthday.
Flab-iest Thing:
My relief society arms. sigh.
Funniest Thing:
Henry's new fettish: wearing
River's underwear over his clothes.
Getting dressed by his self, and 
firmly resisting help of any kind:)
"got it mum...worry I got it."
Luckiest Thing:
Seeing a mother duck training her wee ones.
I wonder if she gets a break on mums day.
She sure deserves one.
Yummiest Thing:
Chocolate cake from Magleby's.
My Breakfast the kids made me.
mango season!!!

Favorite combo: Mangos, strawberries, and spinach. 
ew la la.
Stillest Thing:
My heart.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mothers, motherhood and mothering

Happy Mothering day.
Mothering, (I say),because 
is a verb
not an adjective or title.

I have many mothers in my life.
My dear mother.
Sometimes, I miss her so much 
that my heart hurts.

She mothered everyone around her.  Not in the
annoying mother hen sort of way.
In the heart way.
She was very focused that way.
I think she would be a Mary.
Sometimes there is a fine line between Martha and Mary...
Mom always seemed to know that line.
I hope I do. There are moments that I feel her 
gently nudge me when I cross that line.
So Maybe having a mama angel isn't so bad after all.

I have friends that mother me.
I have sisters that mother me.
I have a mother in law that mothers me.
I have other mothers that mother me with their
stoic example of what it means to be a woman.
We rock.
Don't you think?

My daughter and her circle of friends made a 
cake for my birthday and suprised me with it.

They are going to be mothers one day.
One way or the other.
They are simply beautiful,and so are they're mothers.
I am thinking of that John Mayer song.
Yes, he is a nit wit, but oh what a voice.

~mothers be good to your daughters
and daughters will live like you do
cuz girls become lovers
that turn into mothers
one day they'll  have their own 
daughters too~
I love mother's...
my angels.

I love you all much much so much.
May this day bring you clean floors,
long hot baths, and guilt free eating.
oh...and bluebirds.
Many bluebirds.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

And the rains came down...

Carpets soaked, drywall caved, baseboards peeling,
dryers drying..smell is dying.
Upstairs toilet flowed over and over and over.
Good friend just lost her baby (7 months).
Let the floods come down.
Tender mercies come in all shapes and sizes, I'll
get new carpet.
And I will pray and pray that my friend 
will have many tender mercies and miracles
come her way.
Life is so very precious.  Fragile, but precious
A sweet little bluebird just perched on my porch.
I hope you all get a bluebird today.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Stinky feet

I think I'm going to trade my road bike in 
for a beach bike, so I can daisy on down
the neighborhood, looking careless and calm.

I am also thinking of trading in all of the
macaroni and freezer food, for my home cooking.
I want to rediscover the joy of food, because
I want to see the smile on Garrett's face
when he takes a great big bite of my spinikopata.

Also thinking about bangs. I really should
cut my hair short for easy management, but
I have a strange co-dependancy relationship
with my hair, and not sure if I am mentally 
stable enough to let it go:)

I'm going to plant nothing but pumpkins this 
year, because every fall, they are the kindest
to me, not like my basil always dies.

I'm going to trade in my heavy black boots
for some light, silly sandals.
Because Heavy is so yesterday:)
I'm going to give Garrett a great big
kiss, every time he walks in the back door.
Just because.

Every single day matters to me now.
So much to do, so many people to love,
So much to learn...

It is funny how quickly the things you
once thought were important suddenly loose
their luster.

And how quickly the beautiful oddities of 
the day...(like putting on Henry's stinky 
shoes)suddenly become the most important
things in the world.

Because I believe, that those stinky little
feet are going to be filling up some very
big shoes one day...
VERY big shoes:) 

Monday, May 3, 2010

A long walk

I took a long walk along this winding river on saturday.
It stretches and curves for miles.  It tempers
me, the way it always has.

It is not this green yet, but Shellie (my sister) painted it green for me.
She is an artist of the heart.
She can paint anything beautiful.

You can't put on a poker face with Shellie.  That's
why I ran away with her for a weekend.  She drove me
to our quite place, the ranch, because I had a lot of thinking to do.

Garrett understands my need to withdraw and retreat, because
I understand his need to do the same.  He knows
I will come home a better woman.   I always do.

I have been ill, very ill, for a long time.  It was starting
to get humiliating, I don't like being the sick lady down the
street.  But try as I might, I couldn't shake "this".
It was time for answers.

That's what Dr. Garrett said.
So I gave the vampires at the lab
my blood and my urine and
waited a few days.

Then there was the phone call.  The one I will
always remember.
"I need you to come in to my office."
"what, that's silly just tell me?
I was washing dishes and watching Henry
play outside in the sand box.
"Garrett, are you there?" what is going on?
"I can't do this on the phone Holly."
I started popping the bubbles in my dish water
"your labs are really messy."
I suddenly felt like a first grader,
being scolded for a messy picture
"What do you mean messy?"
Then he started down the long list
of labs...
Every thing was...messy.
my blood, my kidney function, my thyroid...
And the total sum of messy labs all came down to~
Lupas. Lupas of all things. 

My dishes were still messy, and I suddenly wanted
them clean.  Really clean.  So I said goodbye
and finished them with shaking hands. I
fought the urge to throw them against the wall.
All of them.

I know this disease well, my mom fought
it for years and years, only to die in
the end with Lupas vasculites. (stroke)

Instead of attacking bacteria and viruses, the
imune system attacks organs and tissues.
Some live a lifetime without a major episode, and some die
in all depends on which organ it chooses
to attack and when.

But some like my mother, suffer slowly for years
without relief, or rest...just pain.  That's what happens
if it attacks your tissues...arthritic pain, dibilitating pain.
sleepless pain.

I know I am blessed to know exactly what
I am dealing with.  So many don't get the answers.
I also know this is a turning point in my life.
Will I choose faith over fear?
I pray...I hope...I will
But the line between them is oh so very close.

Thus...the ranch.
the place I go to hide and renew.  The
calmest place on the earth.  Have you ever
heard the sound of silence?
It's beautiful.

The only problem with outer silence,
is that is frees your inner silence.
and I was in no place to talk, not
even at the ranch.

So I played with the fire for a while,
Just me and that poker stick that makes
me fill so powerful.  I could start the fire
and I could stop it, whenever I chose to.

I wish time were that way.

Shellie sensed I didn't want to talk much,
so she read to me.  We layed
in bed, underneath the old quilt mom had made
and read.  The book was "captivating."
And it was very captivating indeed.

It talks about a woman's heart, her dearest
gift.  Have you ever know a woman, ugly, or
beautiful, that has invited you into her heart?
Even with just a glance?
I have known many.

I woke up and took a  long
walk along the river by myself.
I love long walks.  Everything felt new to me, all
of my senses were heightened and delighted.

I think God loves to delight us.
I also think he wants more for us than what
a pain free life could give.  He wants
us to have what he has, and sometimes
that takes some pain.

I fell asleep by the bank of the river,
when I woke up, three hawks were circling me.
(very disturbing when you are contemplating life)

I decidied not to let them eat me.

Because I still had my heart, and I will
always have my heart, no matter how
crooked my hands get, or how tired my legs
walk,  I can still choose HEART,
because that is my gift.

My Lupas rules
*I am going to believe in the unknown
*I'm going to have heart
*I'm going to be a warrior, not a whiner
*I'm going to make sure every person in my life
knows how much they mean to me.

Thank you for reading this long post.
Thank you for taking this walk with me today.
I trust you with my heart, and I invite you into mine.
I promise to post more positively in the future:)