Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Questions?



I question everything.
I even question answers to questions.  


When is enough enough?
When is it too much?
or too little?


When to speak?  When to listen?
When to share...and
When to keep my trap shut?


When should I rest?
When should I run?
What is your plan for me?
and How am I doing?
Are you exhausted yet?


I guess we all wonder.  
We had a lesson in relief society last
week on Prayer.  
We all shared stories about different
answers we had been given.
But what about the prayers that aren't 
answered at all?
No yes and no no?
Then which way do you go?  
(crazy).  It's a geographical location;
I tell you.
Crazy...google it, you will find a map
to my brain.





Monday, April 26, 2010

I love weekends.  I love the way they wrap around me, engage me and renew me.  Spending time with my family, is my life line in so many ways.  
Here are some highlights:
Hiking and fishing with grandpa Glenn.  If you knew him, you would love him.  Everyone that knows Glenn loves him...How can you not love that kind, handsome face?
He is everything outdoors, so now and then we get to tag along.  I love seeing nature through his eyes.
My little troopers, I love seeing nature through their eyes too.  They are magic I tell you, simply magic.

Savannah caught a fish, that landed in Henry's lap, what a picture that would be if I was there.  I think I was busy contemplating life by the spring.

I do that a lot, contemplate life.  How could you not by this mossy spring?



God must have had a great painting set, I'm going to have to get me one, 
but, oh shucks...I don't paint.  Sure wish I could on days like this.

So I painted a picture in my heart instead.

Sunday was a beautiful, lazy day, Mr. Garrett and I laid in bed all afternoon...just talking.
Then we went to the park, but I was so worn out from all that napping, I fell asleep:)
Make sure you check out the video on the post below, it is pretty cool.
What did you do this weekend?

Fireflies - Glow in the Darkness



Here is a Happy song.  I wish you all a happy monday, a happy hopeful monday.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

umbrella under the sun

It's d-day again.
Decision day.
I think that is why I have been so slumzy.
Slumzy gave me these baggy eyes.
Isn't he generous.
I thought perhaps Miss Mary kay could fix me,
so I spend a small fortune yesterday on face
fixing stuff.
But the wrinkles are still there and so is slumzy.


The thing about life changing decisions
is that they...change your life. 
Everything that is familiar,
comfortable and safe, suddenly becomes
foreign and frightening.  
But I have to admit the foreign has always 
intrigued  and teased me.
I love the smell of new city's and towns
alike, I love to walk slowly up and down
unfamiliar paths, and people watch.


Different cultures bring out the curiosity in
me, and I like my curious mind, because
it reminds me I am Alive.


I just don't think Mr. Garrett or myself
were made for a safe life.
And it seems my children didn't fall
to far from the cherry tree.




They were elated when we purposed
this new opportunity to them.  I think
Heavenly father must have been listening
when I prayed for them.
Prayer is a funny thing. This decision that
is so life changing hangs on the threads of his 
guidance.
We have both felt this is God's will for us,
but on paper it is absurd! 
There is simply no way we would make
a decision like this if we hadn't felt prompted.


But so many miracles  have to line up,

in order for us to follow through.
I wish I could spill it out.  But Garrett wants
to wait until the miracles come to pass. 
Meanwhile, I will open my umbrella under
a drouted sky and wait for the rain.





Wednesday, April 21, 2010

slumzied #2 end of the day

Still working on my list.
But...
Seriously,
considering purchasing some
headbanger music.
Just can't seem to get
this bootie shaking.
What do you do to get
motivated...energized...and
de slumzied?
Oh how I want to want to:)
What was it that Peter confessed
in his weakness?


"The spirit is willing,
but the flesh is weak".
Now...
back to that book...
yup.
still reading that book,


The one that is supposed
to take my life from
ambition to meaning.


And it better hurry!

Slumzy

My new word of the day:
slumzy
sleepy,slummy, crazy, clumsy, lazy.


Slumzy should never be welcome in your head,
because once he gets in...all your drive
is gone...you get stuck in first gear with your 
breaks on.


so...today I will get rid of him.
I hope.
I'm going to put on my running shoes.
I'm going to make that pie I have been craving.
I'm going to organize my bedroom...closet and all.
I'm going to play cars with Henry until my knees ache.
soon.


Meanwhile, slumzy and me are going to 
read a good book.





Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Perfect Perfect weekend

The  weather man says there are only about a half dozen "perfect" days.
I think I just had three of them.
The sun and the moon and the atmosphere just lined up and
decided to give me a real perfect weekend.
who says the world doesn't revolve around me?
Thank you sky and sun and blossoms bursting on my tree.
Here are some pics that pa pa took of us playing base ball,
after he cooked us an amazing meal!
Sorry ladies, still not available.




We played ba ball (Henry's term).
Ran in the grass till our feet were green.
Layed in the grass and watched the clouds go by.
Laughed, loved and lived every moment to its full measure.
I made up a new word Familiness.
Meaning:  Whenever or wherever you feel the joy of
those closet to you...celebrating life and all the good stuff in it...
that is Familiness...
And thus....the Perfect day.
Rain or shine.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Falling

Note to self:

Just because your at the end 
of your rope...

Doesn't mean you can't enjoy the ride down.

Here's to happy falling.
I love you all SO much.

Thanks for holding my rope
when I come all undone.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Bad days and Butterflys

I flipped on the computer this morning
to find the results of my not so happy post yesterday.
I was overwhelmed with woman power.
And I will always love you for your
woman power
because it renewed my commitment to
faith
I never want to loose my faith
but somedays I do
and lucky for me
I have you.

This butterfly picture 
flicked on my computer 
from out of nowhere yesterday

It was taken the spring
after my mother died.
I was wearing my mothers ring,
when savannah came and placed
this butterfly on my hand.


I dreamt of a butterfly flying free
the night my mom died
and so did Savannah.
 
Two months later
Garrett and I were hiking the Napali Coast.
it is second only to heaven itself,
with miles of sea cliffs
falling into the ocean
like green waterfalls.
I hadn't told Garrett my butterfly dream.
But as we sat on the cliff to eat lunch,
I did.
Soon his hands and eyes were all over the place
I was annoyed
He isn't listening
Then I put my chin up and saw 
wild flutters around me,
more monarch butterflies than I could count on one hand.
Garrett was crying.
Garrett doesn't cry.
But he knew what I knew.
Mom was saying "hello
I'm healthy and I'm hear for you"
"remember the butterfly"
So yesterday I knew this picture didn't flick on by itself.
I think God opened the door
for a brief second
just like before
to let mother remind  me
once again
of the miricle of the
Butterfly
Now it is time for me to break through this cacoon
and start flying again.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

"This"

Note to reader: I posted "this" this morning, I deleted the post, because who wants to read a depressing post?
I promised I would be real with my writing...but sometimes real is an illusion. 
I decided to repost it after realizing the post had slipped through a crack and found its way to a dear friend who reminded me that there will only be one person who truly gets "this".
And that someone can only be found on my knees.
So here I bleed away, in the hopes to remind someone, anyone, that there will always be one who gets what no one else can.



"This"


Definitely won't be posting this one on face book.
God asked me to swallow an Elephant,
and I suppose in the life before I agreed.
I was a fool.  I must of given myself way to much credit.


I don't know how to digest this elephant.
I am angry.
And sad.
And hopeless.
Why?  I know I am suppose to pick up my wagon and
stop asking why, but I am to weak to pick up
anything right now.


Please God, let it be anything but this


What? you ask is This?


If I told you, you would stop inviting me to parties.
Or perhaps not.


My black pearls know.  I miss you all so much.  You are
so far away.  Perhaps the distance is good, because if you
were to close I would have to pretend with you too.
And I love you to much to pretend.


You were up with me on a long dark night, 
when This flared up.
And you stayed up, and lost sleep and held me when I cried.


I think Garrett is growing tired of This.
So am I.


It's raining.


So my sense of humor has not entirely left me, because
I put on a summer dress this morning. 
Perhaps, it will chase
away This.
We will see.
Tomorrow I will apologize for my self pity,
and put my boots on and pick up my wagon,
but today I can't.



Monday, April 12, 2010

The place that holds my heart


Warning: This is a sappy, sentimental post.  It is also a bit long:) 
So either bear with me, or click on by:)


"The truth is...
we are not that important,
unless we are important
to each other."
Jed Henrie

~
~spring break 2010~
Remembering my Roots



This is the place that holds my heart.
It's old.  It's very old.
The wood is weathered and washed
with years of rain, snow
and hot summer days.


Many summer days,
floating down the river
that runs as deep
as the emotions it stirs inside of me.

Growing up, I used to let people assume
that it was a modern day dude ranch,
just like in the movies.

It's a dude ranch alright,
with
Cows and horses
and cowboys as dusty
as the land they plow.
But their is nothing modern about it.

I am finding that the truth is much more 
interesting than fabrication.
Because what this place lacks in
bells and whistles and shiny things,
is the reminder of everything
beautiful, sustaining,  and
Real.

I am growing tired of the sparkly jeans,
bangles and tinkling jewels that seem
to suffocate the heart and soul
of my generation.
(I suppose every generation had their tinkling adornaments)

More than ever, I am searching for what
will truly sustain me and keep me 
Authentic.

That which once dazzled me
is now frazzeling me.
(is that a word?)
Because that is what I feel sometimes.

Give me something real,
and I will give you my heart.
Give me your love, your sincerity,
your truth,
and maybe...just maybe... we will find  out
what Joy really is.

I  don't have the energy for anything
else anymore.


I want to wrap myself  in the beauty,
 the smiles, and the tender mercies, 
that those I surround myself with,
give to me each moment.

I want to be there for every
tear that falls,
every day break, and every dark night.

 I want to hear the laughter
that makes my belly dance,
and the songs that make the dark nights
worth it. 



(This is Henry's drum set.)
If their is anything I teach him in this life
I hope I teach him where he comes from,
the blood that runs through his veins,
and the duty he has to generations past
and generations ahead.


This is my family tree.
It hangs on the dusty bedroom wall
with pride.
(Humble pride)


This is the crazy colauge of pictures
past and present.

We spent Easter weekend at the ranch.
 It was...oh so very cold,
but quite and still.


It was filled with candy, conference and home cooking.
(I love to cook at the ranch, because calories don't count there:)

I love to walk around in my old gray sweater
and funny warped slippers.


Dad taught my kids how to carve in the
firewood.

This is his latest carving.


~Nothing without work~


This is the man, who went to war
and saved every penny, so that he
could come home and buy the ranch
from my great grandmother...
who was running it alone.

He understood the principle of
"Nothing without work"

I will never forget riding on 
the back of grandpa's horse.

His spearamint gum and coffee nibs
used to jingle in his front pocket
like coins.
They filled the air with his scent.
I loved the way he smelled
He always wore this robin egg blue
shirt and his Stetson hat.

I remember one day...

 I had my arms wrapped
 around his barrell chest, and
held on tightly with each
bump and jerk of the horse
as it galloped
along the green pastures
that fed the cows
and the horses that
chased the cows.

He brought the horse to a hault,
and quietly pointed out
the indian paint brush
that dangled along the banks of the river.
He gave me a stick of chewing gum,
and then we watched the sun go down,
on the land that holds my heart.

~I love you grandpa~


Saturday, April 10, 2010

Balance



~Balance~

loosing it
finding it
fast forward
and
rewinding it

Here I go round
the bend
around and around
again
only to start
where I began.


I wrote this after a very clumsy day.
Oh mercy.
The cat is chasing her tail again.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Joy

Joy came in a tiny bundle to my sister in law
a few days ago. A brand new baby boy
fresh from Heaven. I am sure he will have a 
beautiful life, because he comes from a
beautiful mother, and not just on the inside
pretty.
So today I spent time with my nieces.


We went to the park~



We made funny faces~

We ate the lunches that Savannah packed 
for us~
River climbed a tree, to contemplate life,
and then he almost broke his arm.  


Then we made many more funny faces.

I wish I still had the courage
to climb a tree.

But the tree would break me,
or I would break the tree.
So I laid on the grass~
And put my feet up.


Then I played on the swing set.
I think I made funny faces, 
because Savannah wanted to take my
picture.
I wanted to take my picture,
because these are the days,
I never want to forget~

I wouldn't trade my children
for all the gold and glitter
in the world...not even for all
of Magleby's famous choclate cake.


We went to the ranch this week, and made
many silly faces there. 
I will write about that tomorrow.
Laundry pending.
(p.s)  Go swing on a play set...
(Reach for a natural High:)