Thursday, September 30, 2010

Fall picinic

I love seasons,
the way they still you,
the family traditions they inspire,
the way they remind you of the Creator,
and his love,
the excuse they give you to buy new shoes,
and color your hair,
the way they help you measure the growth
of your children.
(And boy are they growing)
The way the smell,  the way they wrap around your skin
and make you feel,
        These are some pictures from a family picnic up American Fork canyon.
We, (aunites on Smith side), went up to start dinner for Glenn, Garrett and Greg after their
very long hike.
(pictures below)
We sliced and diced and put hot dogs on sticks to roast over the fire
that we started
As the little ones threw rocks in the creek, kicked up colorful leaves,
and ran with their imaginations.
I love how their grins and giggles echoed throughout the trees.
I love them all.
It's a wonderful world,
I say.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


I finally bought a mother's necklace for myself.  I always wanted one, but it felt so cheesy to buy my own.  Grandpa, the kids and I went to the Sundance Fall Festival saturday night.
I love Sundance.
I love Fall even more~
So while I was lingering with Henry, the girls came running...
with shouts and screams..."mom... a bluebird...we found a bluebird necklace for you."
I love bluebirds for reasons to complex to share...they are my symbol,
my reminder to be in the moment, to live each day with gratitude.
When I found the necklace, Savannah suggested having all of the kids initials attached,
It was perfect.
I also added the letter "J" for Joy.
Because that is what I feel when I am with my family.
~most of the time~ 

The lady who designed the necklace took small, dime size plates of silver
and then pounded in the letters with an old mallet.
It took a while.
Meanwhile my dad patiently waited with the kids.
and waited
and waited.
Sometimes you have to wait on Joy I guess,  but it always comes.
Dad packed us a lunch.
I say he deserves as much joy as he can get, because since mom died he has turned his
grief into creating joy for all of his children.
I think he deserves a blue bird necklace too:)
~I love you Dad~

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

My favorite mountain goats

Here stand my three favorite mountain goats,
They have been roaming these mountains for decades.

There latest adventure...
The North face of Timp.
~Not for the faint hearted~

Whenever Garrett's brother Greg is in town,
They bike, they hike or plan their next bike or hike.
Talk about endurance.
I thought I had a little until I followed them on a few of these adventures.

They know how to work hard.
They know how to play hard.
Three good men indeed.

Grandpa's old tractor

This is Grandpa Glenn's old Tractor
It is weathered and rusty, but next to Disney land
it's the best ride in town.
Except perhaps, Grandpa's old motorbike.

Many priceless memories have been made
 on these old relics.
From Garrett to Henry, Grandpa has been giving tractor rides for years,

I hope we have many more years together,
to make memories, simple but stable,
riding tractors, roasting hot dogs, and playing baseball
in the big green field behind Grandma and Grandpa's house.

So many Blessings.

Saturday, September 25, 2010


I hiked up the back of Timpanokee this morning with Garrett's brother
and sisters, while Garrett stayed home doing Saturday chores with the kids.
(But don't feel too sorry for him,  he went biking later:)

I was so grateful for the chance to be in the mountain's I love
with some of the coolest people I know.
I love my family.
We talked about everything from the evils of diet soda to Ekhart Tolle~
Had a little PX90 demonstration from the beautiful model.
And talked some more.

Good company+Breathtaking scenery+sunny skies=the perfect day.
Love you.

Mini triatholon

We did the Manilla mini marathon as a family last night.
Here are some pics..
This is Malia's teacher
This is Malia running her heart out, next to her daddy.
She runs with so much passion, you should see her face.
I wish my (&^^&* camera wasn't so slow,
then maybe you could see her face:)
Nana crossing the finish line
River and Henry hanging out with their after the race snacks.
River walked one mile.
Huge progress.

Go Team Go:)

Thursday, September 23, 2010


I just got home from my Rhumotoligst appointment.
Kidneys fine.
Thyroid fine.
Liver fine.
Sed rates normal.
and get this...
Anti antibody....NEGATIVE.

There is no sign of Lupas anywhere in my body.
I am crying right now.
There are no tears falling down my cheeks,
but inside I am sobbing,
In a deeply grateful way.

Call it remission.
Call it a miracle.
Call it anything you like.
I don't have a name for it.

 I feel my mother whisper to me:
You don't have to live my life anymore Holly.

I came home and looked in the mirror.
I looked at my hands, my neck, my face.
I always see my mother in my face,
her check bones,  her beady eyes and warm smile
I feel her blood pulse through my body,
this body she helped to create.
And I feel her  close to me, almost within reach,
telling me again and again,

You were not meant to live the life I lived.

Could it possibly be? That the life God wants me to live,
is not a sick and scared one?
Could it be that the suffering I have know for so long
has finally grown wings?

Could it be that God allowed this suffering that I might  one day
learn to choose.
That I might choose the path of choice,
and drown the path of fear?

There is a strange comfort in suffering.
And as masochistic as this may sound, I feel a little frightened.
I have been in the briar patch for so long
that it is disturbingly comforting, because it is so familiar to me.
I know the territory.
But the possibility of a healthy,  long ACTIVE life
free of pain?
Uncharted waters.
But I am ready.

Will there be another flare up?
That is for tomorrow to decide.
For today I choose LIFE.

I think my body is finally getting the message my spirit has been sending.
You don't have to suffer anymore.
That was mom's journey.
Not yours.
Its okay...

Monday, September 20, 2010


It has been a great week,
and an even better weekend.
We spent Saturday afternoon under this bridge making boats,
With twigs and twine and other unmentionables. 

Garrett was a sport.
Even though he would rather be driving his boat,
than making one.
I love watching my children create.
I love seeing the world and all of it's beauty through their eyes.
Henry is growing up too fast.
Their should be a law against the baby of the family growing.
I want to keep his hands chubby forever.
But since I can't,
I let his hair grow all unruley.
Because I love unruley, smelly, sweaty little boy hair.
See that smile on River's face.
It's the real thing.
We made it through the woods.
crossed the bridge,
(so to speak).
He is now a very happy camper,
and stronger for having been scratched up a bit.
I am thankful.
It feels so good to have crossed that bridge.
Happy monday to you all~

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Between a crack and a hard place

These pictures are from my epic adventure to Shananagan's slot canyon last weekend.
Epic is a hip word for...
freaking CRAZY:)

I love that I was able to feel freaking Crazy.
I love that my body moved inch by inch,
crawl by crawl,
climb by climb,
fall by fall,
I love that I am alive to tell about it.
I love all the bumps and bruises that adorn me 
from head to toe.
I love that I can do hard things.
I love that I am choosing

In your face Mr. Lupas.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Recipe for madness:
1. one lost Camera

2.One Crashed hard drive

3. Zip, zero, nano applications left,  not to mention
3 years of digital pics. music.memories.
Back up people!

4. ooh, must not forget the ipod, 
(backup plan) changed the password.
And me lovely me cannot access any of the
thousands of songs I have collected for 3 years.
Are you mad yet?
I am:(

My higher self says: Perhaps something beautiful will be born of this tragedy~
My lower self says: Shut up polly freaking anna:)

So, If any of you should have pics of me and the family over the past 3 years send them my way:)

life is