Thursday, September 23, 2010


I just got home from my Rhumotoligst appointment.
Kidneys fine.
Thyroid fine.
Liver fine.
Sed rates normal.
and get this...
Anti antibody....NEGATIVE.

There is no sign of Lupas anywhere in my body.
I am crying right now.
There are no tears falling down my cheeks,
but inside I am sobbing,
In a deeply grateful way.

Call it remission.
Call it a miracle.
Call it anything you like.
I don't have a name for it.

 I feel my mother whisper to me:
You don't have to live my life anymore Holly.

I came home and looked in the mirror.
I looked at my hands, my neck, my face.
I always see my mother in my face,
her check bones,  her beady eyes and warm smile
I feel her blood pulse through my body,
this body she helped to create.
And I feel her  close to me, almost within reach,
telling me again and again,

You were not meant to live the life I lived.

Could it possibly be? That the life God wants me to live,
is not a sick and scared one?
Could it be that the suffering I have know for so long
has finally grown wings?

Could it be that God allowed this suffering that I might  one day
learn to choose.
That I might choose the path of choice,
and drown the path of fear?

There is a strange comfort in suffering.
And as masochistic as this may sound, I feel a little frightened.
I have been in the briar patch for so long
that it is disturbingly comforting, because it is so familiar to me.
I know the territory.
But the possibility of a healthy,  long ACTIVE life
free of pain?
Uncharted waters.
But I am ready.

Will there be another flare up?
That is for tomorrow to decide.
For today I choose LIFE.

I think my body is finally getting the message my spirit has been sending.
You don't have to suffer anymore.
That was mom's journey.
Not yours.
Its okay...


  1. What Beautiful new!! So glad to hear :)

  2. holly, i am amazed and happy! everything is for a reason, maybe for you to have empathy for people or to understand river's pain or to know the joy from the pain.
    whatever the reason i know that you will embrace it and live your life with gratefulness!
    your writing is beautiful!! such a talented girl!!
    love you!!

  3. What GREAT news!!! I am sooo happy for you! You had such an amazing will to not let it take over and run your life! It worked!

  4. This is fantastic!

    My friend Sarah (
    was just declared her lupus in remission as well { you both were diagnosed within the same month!} hooray for good news!

  5. Wow! Could that really be true? What an amazing blessing!