Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Besties, Bond and Blondes

One of my besties came from Hawaii last week,
and stayed with me and the family.
She brought along my niece and nephew 
not by blood
by bond I say:)
kaleb and Kai
River thinks Kaleb is the greatest,
calls him Shag
As for kai
My girls think she is the most beautiful creation made.
She is in love.
Oh I love young love.
She is getting married to Scotty.
I don't know you yet Scotty,
but I will beat the $%#@^%%^
out of you if you ever hurt her.
But you won't
I can tell by your pictures:)
We took them to our secret place.
The place through the willows and
the reeds.  I always feel a little James Bondish
when I am there.
We had a lovely picnic on the dock.
and watched a little of this:
and this:

and a lot of this:
Mr. Bond himself
with his beautiful mistress

Nikki...Kelly B.
See what you are missing?
Come...let me feed you grapes, while
the wind flows through your hair
(and the knats)
Come come I say
Hawaii is SO overrated
and we could use a little Ohana:)
Nice pics Kelly.
Miss you already.

Monday, June 28, 2010


Lately I have felt like a butterfly
I don't think that's a word, but you get it.
I am crawling back into the cocoon when I should
be flying. 
I like my cocoon, it is warm and safe and
safe and did I say safe?
Safe is good.
No one can hurt you when your in your cocoon.

So Sunday morning I was all cuddled in my safe
little cocoon...and had an episode of 
caccoondities: I don't want to fly to church!
I want to stay safe.

So the thoughts poured all day long, then I read
this story, which lead to more thoughts which 
lead to a memory that calmed my heart.
Here goes:

There was once a little girl,
who grew up in a tip top tidy home, with
a mother who expected no less than perfection.

Her mother was expecting guests one day and the
usual routine of sterile cleaning was ordered. 
Carpets with straight lines, polished mirrors
and scrubbed floors awaited the perfect polished
women who would be admiring them.

The little girl was to stay up stairs in her room
until the party was over.

She went to the bathroom sink to wash her hands, 
jut as she had been taught, only the faucet would
not turn off. Water was quickly flowing over the 
sink, but she knew better than to interrupt her 
mother for help.

In her fear to reach out for help, to the one person
that could help her,
she hid beneath the bed.
And true to the law of consequences, the entire
upstairs was flooded.

Sometimes I hide.  A lot of times I hide.
Afraid that because I have let down his
expectations of me, I am not worthy for 
his assistance.  That some how, for some
reason, I have to do it on my own.
Stinkin thinkin...I know, but sometimes
I think it all the same.

I feel her pain, her shame and her fear more than
I care to admit.  My faucet has been leaking way to long.
I try to stuff it, plug it, bail it out, but I am certain that I am 
not good enough just yet, to ask the Lord for help.
I got myself into this mess...
I'll get myself out...(not)

I will ask him when I am more faithful with my scriptures,
or get to the temple.
But wait...I just stuffed myself with brownies...hmmm...
maybe I better wait till tomorrow...I'll be worthy for his 
help tomorrow.
And the  lie goes on.

The last 5 years have tried and tested me to my very breaking
point.  My identity has taken a huge blow,  I keep bobbing in the surf
of the storm, waiting for my faith to be strengthened so I can be "Whole."
But I am not "whole", so I am embarrassed to ask God for his help 
Again, so....

I hide.

In chocolate, in sleep, in movies, in songs, in errands.  Why is it I keep hiding
inside the pain?  Why is it that every time good things come around, I am
afraid to embrace them?  Why do I stuff stuff stuff my emotions, until I am numb?

Because I forget to ask him to turn off my faucet...that's why.

Anyhow.  In the middle of these thoughts yesterday a memory
came to me.  I think mom stuck it in my head so I could remember
what I forget sometimes...Love.  His Love.

I had a dream sometime ago.
A small little girl, with tears running down
her dirty face, was looking through me...
piercing my heart.
I knew those eyes...because they were mine.

I was hiding in a willow tree along a river,
long branches were dangling in the water
and slowly starting to change colors.
I was crying, and afraid to come down from the

Then I saw my mother, she was in a long white peasant
type dress, she was glorious and radiant and...so peaceful.
She held out her arms
and I jumped into them.

She picked up some fallen leaves and handed them to me,
There was an understanding between us. No words were

Each leaf represented an unwanted memory, anger, regret, 
disappointments, pain, and all the little sorrows that added up to 
my stiff heart.
She motioned for me to let them go down the river, to release
them far from my grasp.

I let them go, one by one.

The sun was slowly fading, and light was falling
along the river and shining upon each leaf as it drifted
far from me.
The willow branches turned white as snow
and I slept in my mothers arms with the
promise that tomorrow there would be peace, love, forgiveness,
and renewal.

I was free.
I was safe.
I was brave again.

My conclusion :
(after mulling over such obsurd, stinkin-thinkin)

I am enough for God today...Just the way I am.
Brownies and all:)

He will turn off my faucet when it becomes
to much for me.

...and that is enough indeed.
Besides...I can't afford another flood:)

Sunday, June 27, 2010


I am going to try try try
to be like him
To love like him
To serve like him
To walk in his path

My good intentions
are no longer good enough
I must do

No more tomorrows

What use to come so easily to me
is now a far stretch 


Maybe because I was too busy
waiting for
That I forgot to grow

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Mud lake and Birthday cake

Somewhere in the outer banks of Utah Lake
nestled carefully between the tall grass and the giant
willow reeds, is our secret place,
the place we can run and hide when life gets
a bit much.
It is our secret place, our little "island".

It's a floating, private dock... used only by members
of the utah waterski association.
Every chance we get, we pack a big picinic
and head for our island.  The kids jump
of the dock, swim through the reeds, kyak
and learn to waterski.
I love a cozy chair and a good book,
I love kyaking through the reeds and counting
the many birds that provide our background music.
there has to be over 100 different species,
I especially love the pelicans.
I also love a good mud bath now and then.
And Garrett
He is usually with his mistress.

Just in case you didn't know Garrett's mistress let me
introduce you:
Meet Keith.
Keith has been Garrett's trainer and closest friend for
twenty + years.  He is everything the smile on his
face reveals.  It is because of his dedication and hard
work, that there is a floating dock and a training coarse
for all of the want to be profesional skiers.

He is also 7th in the nation in his age division.
So since Keith and I have to share the love,
we planned a little surprise party for Garrett's birthday:)
This year keith has a house boat on the lake.
Perfect place for a party.
The plan:
All of our friends and family were picked up by keith
at one dock.  And our family put in at another dock.
I must say the timing was pretty insane!
But we did it!  He was very suprised and I think he
was just a bit delighted to know how loved he was.
So here are some pics of our party:
(better view of mud Lake)
I really want to rename it...keith thinks the name
keeps away other boaters... but if it were up to me I 
would call it something more romantic:)
Like Wanita or something:)
Grandpa & River
Keith and Garrett's sisters.
He told them they needed more ugly pills:)
The man of the hour
My adorable niece
Garrett's sister and hubby 
what a handsome couple they make
My sister Jodi and daughter Mkenzie
Thanks for the yummy cake
Garret and his dad
He is such a great man.
There were many more friends and family that
didn't make it on my camera, but my dad took
some great pics of Garrett skiing the coarse,
I will post when I get them.

This year I wanted to celebrate Garrett big time,
because of the person he is, the person he has become,
and for taking such good care of me.
Every year I fall in love with him more.
nothing like a man in a wet suit:)

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


After our very lovely hike Friday we opted to
cook at home... How delicious it was to have
the house all to ourselves.
(Thanks to grandparents:)
On the menu:
Crab legs
shrimp/asparagus stir fry
non alcoholic champagne.
I wish I made a u tube of our adventure opening
a corked bottle.  We Mormons have no idea what
to do with such a stranger.
We tried everything, and the more we tried the more
determined we were to taste such a challenge.
That's when Garrett pulled out the electric drill.
Very ingenuitive if you ask me, 
that is if you enjoy a little cork with your champagne:)
(that's what strainers are for right?)

We laughed like were in love or something like that.
It felt so healthy.
Hands down the most amazing meal:

The recipe:

Lots of lemons
more lemons
Boil crab in lemon juice/water
and sea salt for 9 minutes.
Add a little lovin and some corky champagne,
with Michael Bubble swayin in the background and
you have yourself a memory.
A very fine memory.

Monday, June 21, 2010

It was the Doc's birthday Friday.  And I would absolutely
call it a perfect weekend.  (beside a horrible kidney infection).
But then again, I watch John Wayne... what would John do?
He would keep on walking...He walked away from his
enemy with 3 bullets  in is back in The cowboys...so can I.

Oh wait...that was a movie:)  Wouldn't it be great to write a
book call John Wayne uncovered:)

Okay back on the horse.
Garrett wanted to Hike Timp, my all time favorite
We walked and talked...uninterrupted for the first time in
at least months.  

We made some lame attempts at getting pics together.

Can I just tell you what this mountain means to me?

The memories I hold dear here.
Spending the entire day with Garrett...no patients...
no phones...no kids...absolutely no one to distract us
from each other.
There was this moment, a shared moment of
wow...I really like you...I've missed you....let's
laugh more together~
So we opted to go to the store for crab legs to 
cook our own little magic meal...I will post that
fun moment later.
For now...I love you babe...always will.

Friday, June 18, 2010

lessons from the ferris wheel

I can't imagine a world without this smile.  
What a sad world it would be.
Last night I had a date with my girls.
It's strawberry day's here in my little
neck of the woods.

I thought I would really splurge
and buy each of them 10 tickets.
First stop:
The ferris wheel of course.
We hopped on and handed the
not so nice man 1 ticket.  He
"No mam this is a four ticket
So I hand him three more tickets.
"No mam it is a four ticket ride
per person"
Me in my holy tilido voice...
"excuse me?"
"Now mam people are waiting"
I look at Malia and tell her to
enjoy this ride, because I just
paid eight dollars for it.

And then the wheel cranked
and whooshed and flashed
it's brilliant lights.

And Malia smiled.
I would've taken out a second
mortgage for that smile.

I love you Malia.
May we have many more
ferris wheel moments together.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Avalanches, beacons and blessings

This morning my emotions  came
all undone.  I have held my head up
with peace and confidence throughout
the last 8 weeks, but seeing River lay
in bed day after day is killing me.   

In my effort to remain positive I have
kept my emotions in check... all along
knowing that I was trying to outrun
an avalanche.

This morning the Avalanche came
crashing down.  I asked River if 
I could invite some of his friends 
over to play card games.  He said
he couldn't...

I started to cry, I don't like him to
see me cry...but the damn just wouldn't
wait for a better time.

If you won't do it for yourself than do it
for me River... please, you can't isolate
yourself like this.

He started to cry.  
I'm sick mom.  I can't.  People will
think I am weird if they see me this

I went down the hallway into the
guest room.  I just had to get my
emotions in check.  

I laid on the bed, next to my mother's
picture.  I just looked at her and sobbed.
Feelings of doubt and fear were choking
my faith... I just needed her to tell
me what to do.  Then I allowed myself
to get good and angry at her for leaving
me so soon.  She would know how to
help him through this.  

Then River walked in, I opened up my
arms just like mother would do and 
held him tight.

"Let's call my friends, I guess I can play
board games if I just sit at the table."

So with crazy  joy I went to WalMart
and cleaned out the junk food department.

River has the greatest friends in the world,
they came and made River laugh and smile,
oh I have missed that smile.

Yes the avalanche came falling,... but then
God sent in his search and rescue team...
 2 amazing boys...Daxton and Parker,
followed the beacon and brought
their shovels (or risk game).
to the rescue~

And River they did that, because they
love and miss you SO much.

They played games, and laid on the couch
in such a way that made it easy for River,
they are just so darn cute.

Then when all was said and done, River
walked to the laundry room and said:
"Mom... thanks for making me do that,
it was kind of cool, and not as scary
as I thought it would be.
I love you."

I love you  River...
I am so inspired by your courage
and strength... you will always be
my strong, soldier boy.  
keep lacing up your boots,
because god has plans for you.

Thank you for taking a "risk" today.
I know it was not easy.

Primary children's hospital... Just can't get enough.
Please pray that he can go up to scout camp next week.
And thank you all so much for your prayers.  I really
believe we have been blessed because of them.
Love you~

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

ooh what a knight

Dear Garrett~
So it's your birthday, the sixteenth birthday we have
shared together.
Do you remember that day on the cape when you
purposed to me?  We climbed up some tall rocks
along the Boston shore , and planned out our life
together.  Remember how we were going to
juice fruit and read the scriptures and
the paper after our morning run  Every day!!!:))))))
And how we were going to sail the world with our
kids in tow? Oh I love dreaming with you.
You always treat dreams like a possibility, not
a distant idea.  I love that about you.

Because of your zest for living, I have experienced many
adventures,  you have taught me so much about living
in the moment and holding joy in your pocket as long
as you can.

Do you remember this picture?  It was the day
we found out we were pregnant with River.
You looked up at the sky and said "sky is blue
must be a boy:) 
Then you spent 8 months wondering if
Aliens had taken over my body.
I love to watch you play with our children, every night
they know you will come home and play with them...
and for that matter all the kids on the block want to 
play with you too.
I always giggle when yet another neighborhood child
knocks on the door to see if uncle Garrett can play!

And you do love to play~

I love seeing the world through your eyes.
I miss adventuring with you, I miss you period.
I miss our pillow talks, we have let the cares of this
world fatigue us to the point of exhaustion and 
I don't  want to do that anymore,  No more eyes
shut...no more "maybe tomorrow".
Today, I choose you today.

Thank you for loving me when I am not myself.
Thank you for understanding my silence, for feeling
my words instead of questioning them.
Sometimes I look at you amongst the noise
and beautiful chaos of life, and I want to freeze the
world, so we can take a vacation in each others eyes.

But then I remember I don't have super powers, and 
we loose each other to the noise.
Sometimes I wonder if you know how much I need
you.  Over the years of schooling and residency, I 
learned to be independent.  But today I hope
my venerability gives me away, because I need you.

Do you remember that night we sat on the haystack?
We talked of love and loyalty and the possibility of
"us" forever.  Then you pulled out a silver knight
in shining armor figurine... and you promised me
you would always be my knight.

Your white horse turned into a white minivan, but you 
are still my knight.  I tell you to buy a truck, you say
you want to save up the money first.
I say that is chivalry at it's finest.
I love the way you trade in your pride for principal.

I love you.  I love everything about you.  I am going
to celebrate you this week, there is more to come.
I heart you....

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Crazy cures for madness and other things that try to kill me:)

1. When I lack personal power and courage:
I watch John Wayne movies, just watching 
his stoic swagger makes me feel tougher:)
Warning:a sudden urge to buy ropers
and wranglers may follow.

2. When I feel restless anxiety:
Luciano Pavarotti: How could you not
be captivated by such beauty?  Even if you
don't like opera, play him as 
loud as you can,   and 
cook something Italian...with lots of basil of
course...I bet you'll be singing your heart out:)

3. For the blues:
lavender oil+ hot bath + chick flick 

4. Disobedient hormones:
A good bundle of duct tape over the mouth,
is very useful, not practical...but sure saves
loose words from slipping.
Okay, I don't really use duct tape...but I do
lock myself in my closet on occasion:

5. Disobedient children:
Let's just say duct tape is very versatile:)

6. Loss of humor:
I go down to the basement and dance my heart
out to the bjees....(I really do)
I highly recommend it!  Just don't
let the neighborhood kids catch you...
it will humiliate your children...
don't ask me how I know:)

6. A sad sick little (or not so little) boy.
(sigh)  luvs and lavender... and major doses
of prayer.

We went to Primary children's today.
More tests.
No answers.
Love you all:)
What are your crazy cures?

Saturday, June 12, 2010

A Walk in the woods~

Took a bit of hike yesterday,
    It was lovely....................

But don't let the pictures fool you...
it's been a tough week.
We are spending tuesday at primary children's
with River,  we are praying for help...
will you?

He say's this is getting old.
I couldn't agree more.
Motherhood is such a balancing act.
 I feel like I have dropped all 
of my balls~
Wish I could be so much more...
so does my family.
If I spend to much time and attention on River,
the rest of the bunch feels bad.
Everyone is suddenly getting "sick" for
mom's attention.

 I try to equalize my attention to all of 
my beautiful children,
but it is never enough,
and River really likes me glued to his hip.
I don't blame him.
It's bunk to be sick...but even
bunker to be sick and alone.

So to my beautiful family...
Sorry I am a bit distracted these days.
I've gone for a walk in the woods
of life
crazy crazy life.

Perhaps I will bump into
 a certain vampire.