Tuesday, April 13, 2010


Note to reader: I posted "this" this morning, I deleted the post, because who wants to read a depressing post?
I promised I would be real with my writing...but sometimes real is an illusion. 
I decided to repost it after realizing the post had slipped through a crack and found its way to a dear friend who reminded me that there will only be one person who truly gets "this".
And that someone can only be found on my knees.
So here I bleed away, in the hopes to remind someone, anyone, that there will always be one who gets what no one else can.


Definitely won't be posting this one on face book.
God asked me to swallow an Elephant,
and I suppose in the life before I agreed.
I was a fool.  I must of given myself way to much credit.

I don't know how to digest this elephant.
I am angry.
And sad.
And hopeless.
Why?  I know I am suppose to pick up my wagon and
stop asking why, but I am to weak to pick up
anything right now.

Please God, let it be anything but this

What? you ask is This?

If I told you, you would stop inviting me to parties.
Or perhaps not.

My black pearls know.  I miss you all so much.  You are
so far away.  Perhaps the distance is good, because if you
were to close I would have to pretend with you too.
And I love you to much to pretend.

You were up with me on a long dark night, 
when This flared up.
And you stayed up, and lost sleep and held me when I cried.

I think Garrett is growing tired of This.
So am I.

It's raining.

So my sense of humor has not entirely left me, because
I put on a summer dress this morning. 
Perhaps, it will chase
away This.
We will see.
Tomorrow I will apologize for my self pity,
and put my boots on and pick up my wagon,
but today I can't.


  1. holly, we are here for you, call any one of us any time. i am sorry and i do wish we were closer. i will be there soon and we will work through it. and HE is there for you. with much love.

  2. There is just something about knowing you are there...
    I know I should call, and I know you will answer.
    Love you so much.
    And I am always here for you.
    Thank Heaven for Black Pearls.

  3. Oh, Holly, it kills me that you are dealing with THIS and I'm so stinking far away. You know your Black Pearl Sisters love you, no matter what. I wish we were there to help you cut up that darn elephant, one bite at a time. I wish we lived closer. You wouldn't get away with pretending... not with us. I will never forget how you helped me cut up and digest my elephant, one agonizing bite at a time. How I couldn't have done it without you and our BPS. You know I'd do anything for you, just name it. Call me, middle of the night, doesn't matter. I'm here for you ALWAYS. No pretending, no game faces. Love you tons and always.

  4. Holly-

    I read this before you deleted it, and went to comment but it was gone.

    I'm glad you reposted it.

    As hard as this must be for you to go through this in your life, it's still you. You shine because you know the darkness.
    This is something that hopefully you'll look back on later in life, and say "wow. i made it through this, and i'm a better person because of it." does that make any sense?

    Thinking about you my dear. :)

  5. Thanks for posting THIS.. I am glad to know that I am not the only one who feels like THIS... Thanks for your strength It made a difference to me..

  6. Holly, I sure hope you are okay. I have been having those days the last two days and feel so overwhelmed. So maybe we just need to go to lunch for our birthdays that we missed. Call me or I'll call you!!! Love YOU!!!

  7. Holly,

    I don't think I know what "this" is - however, maybe I do? We've shared some pretty good talks the past couple years. I hope you know I'm here for you too always! Take care. I'm just a couple doors down and can be there in a heartbeat. Love ya!

  8. You may never know how your beautiful courage is blessing lives all around you.