waiting on the tide...again.

Flare up again.
The kids brought home a virus, which for 
me adds up to stiff joints and pain, everywhere.
Even my knuckles hurt.


I was trying to explain to River what Lupas was,
because it is hard for me to hide my pain from him.
He demands honesty, and detests being brushed off
with simple answers. (sort of like me).


I said: when your body has a virus or bacteria, your imune
system attacks your tissues, joints and sometimes organs
instead.
He said: So it's like you have aids.
I said: excuse me?
He said: don't you know about aids mom?
I said: well, yes, but I didn't...I...well...uh..not...ugh.
(sigh).
He said:  Is that why your walking funny?
I nodded (hips), 
He said:  Well, thats really not so bad mom, who cares
if you can't walk, at least your still here.
I said: I am going to be here for a long while, now...
about your homework.
I love that boy, he has a bridge to my thoughts.
Always has.


Dad and I were supposed to go "chasing" today.
I love our chasing days.
Instead he came by and dropped off some eucalyptus and 
chamomile bath salt.
It was mom's favorite he tells me...helped her with the pain.
Then he took Henry to Home depot.


I fell into a restless sleep, and had the strangest dream.
I was on a white sand beach next to a magnificent humback
whale.  She was stuck, beached and dying.  I keep leaning
into her and pushing with all of my might...I used my hands, 
my head, my feet...all of my strength to push her out to
sea, where she belonged.  But my efforts were in vein.
She wouldn't move.


I finally slumped down her drying skin and sat down next to her.
I just sat there with the waves spraying in my face.
waiting for the tide to come in.
Helpless. 


I suppose my inability to move the whale was a message.
It's not my job to move the whale.
I have to wait for the tide of his time.


Then dad came back, Henry was adorned with bright green
gardening gloves and happy as a clown. He was carrying 
purple gatorade (my favorite).  Dad kissed my moppy head
and pulled the hinge off of my broken entertainment center.
"I'll get this fixed"


I guess that was my other message.  
I don't have to wait for the tide alone.
funny thing...
Sometimes we have to face our burdens,
before we can see our blessings.