Monday, May 3, 2010

A long walk

I took a long walk along this winding river on saturday.
It stretches and curves for miles.  It tempers
me, the way it always has.

It is not this green yet, but Shellie (my sister) painted it green for me.
She is an artist of the heart.
She can paint anything beautiful.

You can't put on a poker face with Shellie.  That's
why I ran away with her for a weekend.  She drove me
to our quite place, the ranch, because I had a lot of thinking to do.

Garrett understands my need to withdraw and retreat, because
I understand his need to do the same.  He knows
I will come home a better woman.   I always do.

I have been ill, very ill, for a long time.  It was starting
to get humiliating, I don't like being the sick lady down the
street.  But try as I might, I couldn't shake "this".
It was time for answers.

That's what Dr. Garrett said.
So I gave the vampires at the lab
my blood and my urine and
waited a few days.

Then there was the phone call.  The one I will
always remember.
"I need you to come in to my office."
"what, that's silly just tell me?
I was washing dishes and watching Henry
play outside in the sand box.
"Garrett, are you there?" what is going on?
"I can't do this on the phone Holly."
I started popping the bubbles in my dish water
"your labs are really messy."
I suddenly felt like a first grader,
being scolded for a messy picture
"What do you mean messy?"
Then he started down the long list
of labs...
Every thing was...messy.
my blood, my kidney function, my thyroid...
And the total sum of messy labs all came down to~
Lupas. Lupas of all things. 

My dishes were still messy, and I suddenly wanted
them clean.  Really clean.  So I said goodbye
and finished them with shaking hands. I
fought the urge to throw them against the wall.
All of them.

I know this disease well, my mom fought
it for years and years, only to die in
the end with Lupas vasculites. (stroke)

Instead of attacking bacteria and viruses, the
imune system attacks organs and tissues.
Some live a lifetime without a major episode, and some die
in all depends on which organ it chooses
to attack and when.

But some like my mother, suffer slowly for years
without relief, or rest...just pain.  That's what happens
if it attacks your tissues...arthritic pain, dibilitating pain.
sleepless pain.

I know I am blessed to know exactly what
I am dealing with.  So many don't get the answers.
I also know this is a turning point in my life.
Will I choose faith over fear?
I pray...I hope...I will
But the line between them is oh so very close.

Thus...the ranch.
the place I go to hide and renew.  The
calmest place on the earth.  Have you ever
heard the sound of silence?
It's beautiful.

The only problem with outer silence,
is that is frees your inner silence.
and I was in no place to talk, not
even at the ranch.

So I played with the fire for a while,
Just me and that poker stick that makes
me fill so powerful.  I could start the fire
and I could stop it, whenever I chose to.

I wish time were that way.

Shellie sensed I didn't want to talk much,
so she read to me.  We layed
in bed, underneath the old quilt mom had made
and read.  The book was "captivating."
And it was very captivating indeed.

It talks about a woman's heart, her dearest
gift.  Have you ever know a woman, ugly, or
beautiful, that has invited you into her heart?
Even with just a glance?
I have known many.

I woke up and took a  long
walk along the river by myself.
I love long walks.  Everything felt new to me, all
of my senses were heightened and delighted.

I think God loves to delight us.
I also think he wants more for us than what
a pain free life could give.  He wants
us to have what he has, and sometimes
that takes some pain.

I fell asleep by the bank of the river,
when I woke up, three hawks were circling me.
(very disturbing when you are contemplating life)

I decidied not to let them eat me.

Because I still had my heart, and I will
always have my heart, no matter how
crooked my hands get, or how tired my legs
walk,  I can still choose HEART,
because that is my gift.

My Lupas rules
*I am going to believe in the unknown
*I'm going to have heart
*I'm going to be a warrior, not a whiner
*I'm going to make sure every person in my life
knows how much they mean to me.

Thank you for reading this long post.
Thank you for taking this walk with me today.
I trust you with my heart, and I invite you into mine.
I promise to post more positively in the future:)


  1. my heart is aching for you!! i think it is harder knowing what's to come. we will be there for you. i am going to check out bps.

  2. So many thoughts I could say. But this is what is coming to me right now. D&C 76:5-10 Pay attention to the word "delights" and then what it is He "delights" to give. It is His work and glory to bring us Home (that is all in reference to one of your paragraphs)

    To everything else - Holly you are an inspiration. I know you don't feel like one and you don't want to be one, but you are. Don't ever feel that your posts have to be positive all of the time. LIfe isn't positive all of the time. It is hard - dang hard sometimes. Your posts are real and honest. In the Garden of Gethsemane, the Savior wasn't cheerful. He was honest with His friends about wishing they would have stood by his side and he was honest with our Father about wondering why he felt so alone.

    I hope that doesn't sound preachy because that is not my intent. Thank you for your courage, determination and willingness to share. I am sad for your pain and will pray for you more often.

  3. Ah, Holly... I wish we lived closer right now so I could give you a big hug. We love you and will keep you and your family in our prayers.

  4. Holly,
    I am so sorry about the news. Did you know that your mother knew you had it? She always told me that she felt you had it and she was so concerned for you. Could I get your address? or can I meet with you? I have some information I want to give you. I will be down on June 8th or I could mail something?

  5. Oh Holly...Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family...Your positive attitude is an inspiration to me...

  6. Wow. I don't know what to say, Holly, other than my heart goes out to you. You are such a great sister and have always been so good to me. You are also such a great thinker and writer; I always enjoy reading or hearing about your thoughts. But didn't want to read this! What news! How mortal and fragile we ALL are. How deluded we are as youth to think otherwise. But you are a fighter. I know you'll continue to beat it. At least you know what to fight now. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

  7. Thanks for being so REAL. And sharing all you joys and trials so we can all learn and grow together.. Sending Hugs and Prayer you and Garrett. Your sweet mother angel will help you in your journey...


  8. This is beautiful and heartbreaking all at the same time. My thoughts and prayers are with you sweet girl! ;)