Wednesday, July 7, 2010

baby steps

Look at this boy.
This beautiful beautiful boy of mine.
When I first held him in my arms, I did what I imagine most mom's do.
I wished for him, a life of magic and wonder, possibility and learning, faith and compassion.

Now I understand that the fulfillment of those blessings could only be realized after he 
had experienced heartache and grief, fear and disappointment, pain and isolation.

I have come to realize that Heavenly Father loves us more than a pain free life can give us.
That his love will keep our jagged edges in the current until they are smooth.

How to convey that understanding to a thirteen year old is not quite so easy.
Especially to one that has had a very bad, no good, horrible awful...summer.
(that is a direct quote:)
I am not sure why Heavenly Father has allowed this trial River is facing to go
on for so long.  I am not sure why we have not yet found answers.  But I suspect that
God knows exactly what he is doing.  He is preparing one of his little warriors.

I have been getting a lot of advice lately.  I appreciate the love and concern.
But right now the only thing I know how to do is follow my heart.
I can't just let him lay down and die.  Which he would prefer some days.  
 So I give him a challenge a day.

Yesterday was the biggest one yet.   We hiked up to the base of Timinokee.  
(Hands down the most breathtaking mountain range you will ever see) It was
rough and throughout the trail I found myself questioning my intuition a lot.

We had to break it down to baby steps and rests.  By the time we reached
our goal,  All he could do was lay down by the bank of a stream and fall asleep.
 I sat next to him worrying that I may have pushed him to far.

There is such a fine line between nurturing and enabling.
Half of me wants to push him to get back on the horse (John Wayne style).
The other half wants to hold his heart until all of the anxiety and fear melts away.

I suppose there is wisdom somewhere in between.

 That is the power of a mother, to know deep within what is the highest
good for her child, and to have the faith to give it to God when she doesn't.

I love you my big little man.
much much to much.


  1. I will definately keep him in my prayers. It's so hard to see children go thru trials. He's lucky to have such great parents to be there for him!

  2. There is a mountain in Ogden called Ben Lomand. It is a hard, hard hike. My grandmother literally pulled me up that mountain as a young girl and then I climbed it again on my own several more times after that. She wanted me to know what it felt like to stand on top of a mountain. Little did she know how that mountain top would become a powerful symbol to me - if I can make it to the top of Ben Lomand, I can make it through anything.
    Your son is so blessed to have you. I will pray for him but I will also pray for you to receive the guidance and comfort you need as well.

  3. Holly, you are doing such a great job! I have watched you over many years and I know that you are guided by the spirit. Continue to trust your intuition. Rivers blessing ... is you. I hope one day i can be just like you. You are a great mother ... and a great friend. I love you with all my heart.

  4. my heart just breaks for river for this trial and for you as a mother to watch it! i think you are following your heart and instinct and that's all you can do is pray for guidance and follow it. text caleb to come over if river needs a little lift or if you want company on your hikes! he might need a lift too:)

  5. You have always been so intuitive with the spirit, and that is the one thing I've always admired about you and wished for myself. I need to trust Heavenly Father more and not indulge in my own sad thoughts and feelings. I can't imagine what it would be like in your shoes. I do wish the world for my son and I love him so much, but I cannot imagine what I would do if he were in the same circumstance. Maybe I need to just let my instincts take over and trust in the Lord. Thank you for always being a wonderful example. I love you so much and River is so blessed to have you as his mother.