baby steps

Look at this boy.

This beautiful beautiful boy of mine.

When I first held him in my arms, I did what I imagine most mom's do.

I wished for him, a life of magic and wonder, possibility and learning, faith and compassion.

Now I understand that the fulfillment of those blessings could only be realized after he 

had experienced heartache and grief, fear and disappointment, pain and isolation.

I have come to realize that Heavenly Father loves us more than a pain free life can give us.

That his love will keep our jagged edges in the current until they are smooth.

How to convey that understanding to a thirteen year old is not quite so easy.

Especially to one that has had a very bad, no good, horrible awful...summer.

(that is a direct quote:)

I am not sure why Heavenly Father has allowed this trial River is facing to go

on for so long.  I am not sure why we have not yet found answers.  But I suspect that

God knows exactly what he is doing.  He is preparing one of his little warriors.

I have been getting a lot of advice lately.  I appreciate the love and concern.

But right now the only thing I know how to do is follow my heart.

I can't just let him lay down and die.  Which he would prefer some days.  

 So I give him a challenge a day.

Yesterday was the biggest one yet.   We hiked up to the base of Timinokee.  

(Hands down the most breathtaking mountain range you will ever see) It was

rough and throughout the trail I found myself questioning my intuition a lot.

We had to break it down to baby steps and rests.  By the time we reached

our goal,  All he could do was lay down by the bank of a stream and fall asleep.

 I sat next to him worrying that I may have pushed him to far.

There is such a fine line between nurturing and enabling.
Half of me wants to push him to get back on the horse (John Wayne style).
The other half wants to hold his heart until all of the anxiety and fear melts away.


I suppose there is wisdom somewhere in between.

 That is the power of a mother, to know deep within what is the highest

good for her child, and to have the faith to give it to God when she doesn't.

I love you my big little man.
much much to much.