The silver lining

Wednesday night I had myself
a mushy, gushy, grueling mini break down,

for reasons too complex and complicated to share.

It was a Doozer.

I couldn't talk.

I couldn't breathe.

Who knew breathing could be so hard?

I had to run somewhere,
before I puked up my emotion on the innocent hearts around me,

so I drove up to mom and dad Smith's.

I was hoping they would be there, 

to hide me, hold me and tell me everything would be okay,

and to tell me that I did the right thing.

But they weren't.

So I laid in their swing and cried myself a 

River.

Oh River.

You are going to be okay.

You can do hard things.

I may be pushing you back out into the world,

but not alone.

You will never be alone.

NEVER.

We had a long emotional week you &  I.

But then the clouds broke for just a moment.

After another emotional appointment,

 We ran across the street, to that authentic Italian Restaurant,

 we have always wanted to try.

We left the unsaid unspoken,

and for an hour...became Italians.

We laughed and ate and ate and ate;

peach Italian soda, roasted red pepper pasta,

warm cheesy bread.

And Gelato...oh Mambo Gelato~

Your eyes smiled.

I love that smile.

Our waiter told us...

Life is beautiful...no?

And for the first time in a bit,

I had to agree,

rain and all.

We were on a patio table, overlooking the city street,

when the rain came down again.

It splashed on the red cobblestone beneath our feet.

But we didn't mind so much,
wet hair and all.

We are getting used to the rain,
and learning that sometimes the Umbrella's
come before the rainbows.

They will come my boy.

They will come.
But for now we must hold our umbrella's with our chin up
and our hearts grateful, for the many tender mercies
God has shown to us.

Each day is a miracle,
a chance to grow,
and a field to harvest.
And you can't reap a harvest,
without some rain.

It was good to see you smile.

Life is truly beautiful...after all~

Morrie and Mom

I once read that if you are not experiencing one of these three emotions...you know you are checked out and thus not living in your truth.  ie: the life God intended for you to live.

Enthusiasm,  joy, acceptance

I am committed,  and always have been to these emotions,  but it seems the older I get, and the more life weathers me,  it takes more and more energy to feel them.

And energy is something I run short of a lot.

So I try to be mindful and aware...always to check myself...a pulse check if you will, am I alive?

Am I living?

Morrie says that you are only living if you are giving.  And as odd is it may sound...In all of my giving all day long...some nights I wonder if I am truly giving of myself or just dumb giving.
There is a difference.  A big difference.

Morrie is the college professor dying of A.L.S in the play Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom.  I took River to see the play at B.Y.U this week.  It was one of my mother's favorite books, and I thought it would be a great way to deliver a message to River.
ie:  Buck up buddy...if Morrie can do this, so can you.
But as we watched the play I was reminded of why mother loved the movie so much...not because it inspired her to buck up... but because it resonated with her undying commitment  to love others....
really love.  
And to really love someone...you have to accept them wherever they are at.
Thus back to the three emotions.
Thanks mom.
I miss you so much right now, don't give up on me...I am a slow learner.
Holly

Montiter with compassion

We went to Utah Lake today with the big Smith family.
I listened to Wayne Dyer on the way.
He told me to moniter myself with compassion.
I think I'll take his advice.

River got in the water and went on the tube,
It was like watching him learn to walk all over again.
I called him Rocky and cried in my sun glasses.
Both Savannah and Malia are skiing now.

Dad helped me paint River's room Wednesday,
Wish I could post a picture, but Garrett lost my camera:)

It's no fun to post without pictures.

Sinner or saint

I feel like a mustard seed this morning.


How is it that we mortals can go from,
wanting to take Latin dancing to...
I just want to stay in bed all day~
(sigh) (big big sigh)


You know why I want to take that class?
Because my kids need to see me experience joy.
If I can't teach them joy...or better yet, bring
out the joy that is already inside of them;
who will?


I hide behind dishes and mom duties to much, Tasks
I really do take joy in, (the days I am healthy),
but that is not what I want to be remembered for.


I want my kids to know a mother who relishes in life,
delights in new experiences, and inspires them to do 
the same.


And perhaps, I am stretching it a bit...but I think
Heavenly Father wants that for his children too.
Men are that they might have joy?


Is it possible that he desires us to delight in his
creations...just as much as we hope he delights in 
ours?


I don't want to stay safe, certainly that means I open
myself up to judgment...which, I suppose will give me
the chance to teach my children the power of living an 
Unapologetic life. (but what do I know about that anyway?)


But Really, do I have faith in this idea?  Or will I 
hide behind the fear that Plugging along is
my destiny?


Does the mustard seed really grow into a tree?  
I just don't see it today, perhaps it will only
grow if it is duty bound and not distracted by
silly things like Latin dancing:)


However, Garrett did agree to classes... so I guess
I will just have to dance my noisy mind away:)
sinner or saint:)
Holly

young again

Remember this feeling?

Blue skies, vast possibilities,

the world is mine oh mine

feeling?

I am feeling it again.

Gone are the days of 

acting old. 
Wishing, washing,

waiting.

Gone are the expressions:

"oh shucks"

"shoulda coulda woulda"

"maybe someday"

Gone Gone Gone.

The new me I am dreaming up:

Dancing. I always wanted dancing

lessons, but never had the chance.

It's time for me to dance baby.

I am thinking Jazz.

Maybe Latin? 

Garrett loves to dance.

Perhaps he will join me?

And Guitar.

I will learn one Jose Gonzalas song.

(he is my latest craze)

And English.

It's about time I sharpen my grammer,

my spelling, and other misdemeanors of the

english language.

I feel young again already!

P.s

Will you ask me next week if this was just

a moment or if I really engaged in these activities?

And if I say no.

Come kick me in the okole

because it is time for change I say!!!

NO MORE DRAMA!

Ohana

Last week I met my Hawaiian "sisters" in California for my "niece's" wedding.

I really should drop the ""...because it feels legit to claim them as my own.

They were married in the San Diego Temple.  

It was under construction. 

But so am I.

So the scaffolding didn't bother me.

It was beautiful.

Sacred.

And renewing. 

Scotty and Kai, Yasmine, Nikki, kelly (mom) and I.

Kelly gave away her two babies this month.

Wow, I can't believe she is an empty nester.

I fill old.

But the joy of young love,

reminded me to stay young, and love strong.

My friends and family mean so much to me.

They ground me, challenge me and love me just the way I am.

Crazy.

Good crazy.

This is Nikki's daughter,  Amber.

She is the photographer.

She has her dad's eye, his gift.

We miss you Jon.

But we felt you there, in the temple.

You always watched over kai like she was your own daughter.

Of course you were there.

Greg, Jon, Garrett and I.

Napalei coast 2004.

Our last adventure together.

Till we meet again.