Saturday, November 12, 2011


Right now, I am sitting with a cup of
berry tea, it is steaming shadows on
the window next to me, shadows that
disappear as fast as they manifest,
I barely have time to draw a smiley face
in the window.

I haven't been drawing a lot of smiley faces 
lately.  Since my last happy post, 
I was so very anxious to show everyone...
just how okay I was.

I have been in the darkest days of my life.
After being on some serious narcotics,
(the big guns) for the duration of my two 
month illness.  I had to withdraw.
Basically, I lost my feeding tube,
the only nourishment I was getting,
and withdrawing, My head was in a blender.
That pretty much sums it up.

I suppose such honesty will be cursed by 
some and embraced by others.
I don't really care.

But after a week of what we thought was 
withdraws, Glenn and Kathy found me
laying on the bathroom floor,
Savannah was holding my hair so the
puke wouldn't saturate it, Henry was kneeling
beside me, and River was standing in the doorway.

They took me to the hospital where I was admitted 
for the fourth time in two months.
I was at the mercy of the internest 
who called my condition 
gastroparesis.  Which in lamen terms means
my colon is sort of paralyzed.
Thus....everything comes up instead of down.

The cure he claimed was quite simple,
a medication I take 30 minutes before meals 
and after.  He tells me this will pass.
I ask him when.
He tells me it could take two days to two years.

That night in the hospital, something just snapped,
I allowed all the anguish and fear and grief,
I have felt for the past few years run through my
soul, like a broken damn.

All I knew was that I could not go home.
I had to get away from my children,
and my beautiful family that had suffered so much
with me.  It was to painful to see the weariness
in their eyes, their beautiful loving eyes.

I was broken, and had to put the pieces back
together for them.
After sobbing in Garrett's arms all night,
he gave me a check and told me to go.
All of my sisters and I made a plan.
and my dad drove me to Sundance.

Sundance is where I come to heal.
And it is close enough to family,
should I need them.

For two days now,
I have walked, and walked,
built myself a fire and sat by it,
watching the embers glow.

I spent some time looking in the mirror
wondering what had become of me.
The me who was so much more than
I have become.

I haven't found her yet.
But I have found a great companion
in this beautiful land....God's tapestry...
surely I can see myself in every falling leaf
and remember I will be green again.

Notice my raccoon friend

Look closely at these ice cycles, hanging
on a delicate branch.  I kept waiting for 
them to fall.  But they held on.
It wasn't their time I suppose.

Every time I see this painting I am overcome
with a strange emotion.  I want to be free like this.
Perhaps its the brute strength, perhaps, it is
their endurance.  Perhaps, I wish I could endure
with a little more grace.

I took this last night as I looked in the mirror.
It must seem terribly narcisitic, but it was the 
first time I recognized myself in years.
I am done with my pain body.
At least in this one perfect moment.

Thank you...all of my soldiers who have
marched alongside me.  There are no words.
Just emotion in my heart and soul.
I hope you feel it.


  1. Aunty Holly, I love the last video of you. That is the you that I always have and will know. You are so strong and I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers. Enjoy your time at sundance, because it seems well needed, especially as you heal. I'm glad your raccoon friend is there to keep you company too:-)

  2. Good post Holly. Honesty is healing when it comes to pain. My good friend of 15 years is slowly falling apart with degenerative disc failure, at only 42. He may live in pain another 5 years or less. Every day hurts; lucky to get 4 hours of sleep a night, while still working and trying to stay positive. He says sometimes, he just needs to melt down to his journal and wife. We are human, so Be Human.

  3. I am standing at the max station waiting for thr train, and teats ate streaming down my face. Luckily the rain melts them awau and I appear less obvoius.

    This is beautiful and heartbreaking and hopeful all at once. You have a gift with words, Holl.

    I am thinking of you! Hugs from Oregon

  4. i'm so glad you posted. i have been thinking and wondering about your for days, or weeks! i'm sorry it's been so hard, i'm sorry you have to endure this and that your children worry about you!
    i'm so glad you are/were at sundance, i'm glad you have healing places to take your soul to recover! please take care of yourself though!
    please keep me posted!
    oh and i could not get the videos to play, hence no comment on them!

  5. May the Lord bless you Holly, and your family! There is a reason for all things and you are going to heal!!! You are amazing with words and I hope you are able to continue to share your feelings. It is healing! We all miss you! Take care!!