Breakdown

Right now, I am sitting with a cup of

berry tea, it is steaming shadows on

the window next to me, shadows that

disappear as fast as they manifest,

I barely have time to draw a smiley face

in the window.

I haven't been drawing a lot of smiley faces 

lately.  Since my last happy post, 

I was so very anxious to show everyone...

just how okay I was.

I have been in the darkest days of my life.

After being on some serious narcotics,

(the big guns) for the duration of my two 

month illness.  I had to withdraw.

Basically, I lost my feeding tube,

the only nourishment I was getting,

and withdrawing, My head was in a blender.

That pretty much sums it up.

I suppose such honesty will be cursed by 

some and embraced by others.

I don't really care.

But after a week of what we thought was 

withdraws, Glenn and Kathy found me

laying on the bathroom floor,

Savannah was holding my hair so the

puke wouldn't saturate it, Henry was kneeling

beside me, and River was standing in the doorway.

They took me to the hospital where I was admitted 

for the fourth time in two months.

I was at the mercy of the internest 

who called my condition 

gastroparesis.  Which in lamen terms means

my colon is sort of paralyzed.

Thus....everything comes up instead of down.

The cure he claimed was quite simple,

a medication I take 30 minutes before meals 

and after.  He tells me this will pass.

I ask him when.

He tells me it could take two days to two years.

That night in the hospital, something just snapped,

I allowed all the anguish and fear and grief,

I have felt for the past few years run through my

soul, like a broken damn.

All I knew was that I could not go home.

I had to get away from my children,

and my beautiful family that had suffered so much

with me.  It was to painful to see the weariness

in their eyes, their beautiful loving eyes.

I was broken, and had to put the pieces back

together for them.

After sobbing in Garrett's arms all night,

he gave me a check and told me to go.

All of my sisters and I made a plan.

and my dad drove me to Sundance.

Sundance is where I come to heal.

And it is close enough to family,

should I need them.

For two days now,

I have walked, and walked,

built myself a fire and sat by it,

watching the embers glow.

I spent some time looking in the mirror

wondering what had become of me.

The me who was so much more than

I have become.

I haven't found her yet.

But I have found a great companion

in this beautiful land....God's tapestry...

surely I can see myself in every falling leaf

and remember I will be green again.

Notice my raccoon friend

Look closely at these ice cycles, hanging

on a delicate branch.  I kept waiting for 

them to fall.  But they held on.

It wasn't their time I suppose.

Every time I see this painting I am overcome

with a strange emotion.  I want to be free like this.

Perhaps its the brute strength, perhaps, it is

their endurance.  Perhaps, I wish I could endure

with a little more grace.

I took this last night as I looked in the mirror.

It must seem terribly narcisitic, but it was the 

first time I recognized myself in years.

I am done with my pain body.

At least in this one perfect moment.

Thank you...all of my soldiers who have

marched alongside me.  There are no words.

Just emotion in my heart and soul.

I hope you feel it.