Saturday, October 8, 2011

Walk with me~

Forgive me dear friends and family
for not being so good at the updating.
I know many of you have been praying, watching, fasting
for answers.

I don't really have any for you today.
In fact if you are looking for numbers and medical explanations
I am no good for that either.

I keep waiting to write when I feel better
or when I have answers..
but I don't
(at least the medical ones)
and the memo I am getting from upstairs
is telling me to stop waiting
and to get to work.

I am sick.
I have not eaten in five weeks,
I have have gone through two feeding tubes
and a pick line 
that now feeds me
1800 calories a day.

I am home after being in the hospital
for three weeks on and off.
And I can tell you with certainty 
that there is no place like home.

That pretty much covers it.

The organ of the day is the pancreas,
it has been very moody and has thrown a great big old tantrum,

 My immune system 
has declared mutiny as well
So with the two ganging up on me I can pretty much say
I have had one foot in Hell
and one in Heaven.

I had a friend express her experience just like that once.
I thought I understood then.
But now I do so even more.

I have had moments of sheer anguish,
that have weighed me to this world,
and moments of sacred, beautiful peace..

That could only come from my father in Heaven

who is carrying me
and my family
and he has done it through each of you.

My prayer is that I can share my experience 
in a way
that can remind, renew and rest
all of you in your daily journey.

So here goes...
take this walk with me.
Because we can't get back to him alone.

If you are in a place to fast for me this weekend,
we are fasting to get into a pancreatic specialist in South Carolina.
(it is like applying to college all over again)
Guess he has some fancy stuff that can fix me.
God willing:)


  1. your writing is always so beautiful,(i usually end up in tears,in a good way), You have such a gift. I am so glad you have found the will and desire to document this journey down a path that you have not chosen and that has not been easy. Your words will give strength to yourself and to others.May God help you find the people that will give you the answers your body needs in order to get those "misbehaving" organs back in line. You are in my prayers

  2. I just love you! Even when you're feeling miserable (does that word even come close?) you write beautiful words. I am keeping you in my prayers beautiful. Keep your head up and spirits strong. You've got four beautiful babies that need you.


  3. and I apparently like the word "beautiful." Note to self: find more adjectives.

  4. Holly you are my angel! You have taught me so much of my Savior by your love that you give. You remind me of Grandma Gladys who love even when she was in pain. You remind me of a quote by Neal A. Maxwell: "So often our sisters comfort others when their won needs are greater than those being comforted. That quality is like the generosity of Jesus on the cross. Empathy during agony is a portion of divinity." You comforted me the other day when you were in so much pain. I know that you have divinity in you. Angels are among you. And I love you so much! Kammy

  5. I will keep you in my prayers. I had no idea you were sick. I had missed your posts on facebook. You are a dear friend. Get well. (((HUGS)))

    Debbi Edmonds

  6. Holly, I'm so saddened to hear that you're sick. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Your writing is beautiful as are you and your amazing spirit.....something I remember fondly from our days together so long ago in Missouri. Thinking of you......Misha

  7. I'm so happy to hear that you're doing better! I'd like to think that those night shirts of moms gave you some hope! I hope you continue to flourish because that is what you're doing every day! I love you more than you could know. Love Jodi